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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659692">a glowing collision, a secret rift in the end of the day</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cubitumeamus/pseuds/cubitumeamus'>cubitumeamus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Minor Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Minor Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Until it isn't, fake dating is so mutually beneficial</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 23:48:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cubitumeamus/pseuds/cubitumeamus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh my god,” she said, her face dropping somewhere between shock and disappointment. “Is this your boyfriend?”</p><p>Sylvain started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the statement, but before he could say anything--</p><p>“Yes,” said Felix, giving Sylvain a pleading look.</p><p>Oh. Felix was probably trying to get rid of this girl, right? Sylvain could do that.</p><p>“Hey babe,” said Sylvain, pulling Felix closer to his side. “Miss me?”</p><p>--</p><p>Felix and Sylvain enter a fake dating scheme. It's totally cool, and totally mutually beneficial--until it isn't.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from <i>The Line of Beauty</i> by Alan Hollinghurst</p><p>Tags will probably update as more chapters are posted--I'm just trying to get everything figured out. Thanks for reading!</p><p>PS don't try to actually do the math problem in this chapter, I just put in random numbers because math is very much not my thing :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvain was drunk. Not shit-faced and out of his mind, the way he used to get at parties, but drunk enough to feel a pleasant buzz and let his guard down a little. Hilda Valentine Goneril was currently in his lap, her tongue in his throat and hands at the hem of his shirt.</p><p>They were sharing a chair in the corner of the room, and Sylvain was sober enough to know that they were still pretty much in full view of the rest of the party, but not sober enough to really care. This kind of behavior was expected of him, at this point. There was no point in changing it now.</p><p>Hilda broke away for a moment, shoving him back a little bit harder than the moment called for. “Oh my god, it’s BTS!”</p><p>“What?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“The song!” she said. Sylvain was aware that the song did indeed change, and they were listening to a bright pop tune, something about shining through the city and lighting up like dynamite. He would call it catchy in any other moment, even though it sounded a little bit like a song that would play in a cereal commercial.</p><p>“We’ll talk later,” said Hilda, patting Sylvain’s head and climbing off of his lap. “Marianne!” </p><p>Hilda screamed, leaping off Sylvain’s lap and running over to her friend. Sylvain was left alone, his ears ringing. He wasn’t sure he liked the implications of talking to Hilda later. They made out occasionally, but there was never the need for any talking. He wasn’t ready for that to change, but he didn’t really want to end their arrangement. He had been a little bit lonely as of late.  </p><p>“Abandoned for K-Pop. I guess I can’t compete with those guys.”</p><p>He looked around. At this point, almost everyone was gathered around either playing Smash or watching the current tournament with great intensity. Parties with his current friends never really got intense anymore--hopefully, Claude would host one at his place again soon. Then they could have a real party. Speaking of Claude, he was going head to head against Byleth in what Sylvain assumed was their final round, according to the cheering and taunting of everyone else. Byleth was playing a character he didn’t recognize that looked weirdly similar to herself. Sylvain found a seat on the floor near Ashe and Annette.</p><p>“Hi Sylvain!” said Annette. “Have you seen Felix?”</p><p>“Not for a while,” said Sylvain. He figured if anyone knew where he was, it would be her--Felix and Annette lived together, and she was the only person in the world that managed to have him wrapped around her finger. “Why?”</p><p>“It’s just weird he’s not playing Smash. He usually jumps at any chance to crush us. I'm going to win tonight, though."</p><p>“Yeah, that is kinda weird.” Sylvain laid back against the wall behind him. He was starting to get a headache.</p><p>“Are you okay?” asked Ashe, always the perceptive one. “Do you want me to get you some water?”</p><p>Water. That was a good idea.</p><p>“Actually, I think I’ll go get water myself,” Sylvain said, sighing as he stood up again. “Maybe I can see where Felix went, too. Do you guys need anything?”</p><p>“We’re fine,” said Annette and Ashe at the same time. “Thanks!”</p><p>Either his friends didn’t drink much or they could handle their alcohol really well. Sylvain was getting old. He smiled at them and made his way to the kitchen, running right into Hilda before he could enter.</p><p>“Oh, hey,” he said. “So, where were we?”</p><p>Hilda sighed. “Look, Sylvain, I like you.”</p><p>“Okay. I like you too, obviously. You’re gorgeous and I like kissing you, so if you want--”</p><p>“No,” said Hilda. “Listen. I don’t wanna date you, Sylvain. You’d be a terrible boyfriend.”</p><p>“Woah, woah, I don’t know who said anything about--”</p><p>“I know, you’re just gonna say you don’t want to date anyway, none of this means anything to you, it’s not personal. But isn’t that kinda pathetic? Have you ever seriously dated anyone? I seriously doubt you have the ability to actually be in a relationship. And like, hooking up is fun and stuff. But I think I deserve someone that cares about me. I’m not getting any younger.”</p><p>“You’re 22, Hilda.”</p><p>“Exactly! I’m an adult! I just want someone to take me seriously.”</p><p>“Couldn’t you have said that without, you know… insulting me?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“Awww, Sylvain,” Hilda patted Sylvain’s head. “I’m not trying to be mean. I’m actually kinda worried about you? I know you have real feelings down there somewhere, but I’ve never seen them. It’s all a mask, and not a very good one at that.”</p><p>Hilda mimed a mask over her face by waving her hands.</p><p>“That’s… I…”</p><p>“Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. I have to leave soon, anyway,” she hurried away. “Marianne!? Where did you go?”</p><p>Sylvain sighed. His headache was definitely worse now that Hilda had decided to play drunk pseudo-therapist. There was a pit in the bottom of his stomach, but he didn’t want to think about all of that right now. He focused again on his original task: water.</p><p>As it turned out, Felix was in the kitchen. He was backed up against the counter while a red-haired girl with a high ponytail and loud voice shouted at him and invaded his personal space. Felix looked uncomfortable, to say the least.</p><p>“Hey, Fe,” said Sylvain, sidling up to Felix and throwing an arm around him. He looked to the girl he didn’t recognize and held out his free hand. “Hi, I’m Sylvain. I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of meeting.”</p><p>“Oh my god,” she said, her face dropping somewhere between shock and disappointment. “Is this your boyfriend?”</p><p>Sylvain started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the statement, but before he could say anything--</p><p>“Yes,” said Felix, giving Sylvain a pleading look.</p><p>Oh. Felix was probably trying to get rid of this girl, right? Sylvain could do that.</p><p>“Hey babe,” said Sylvain, pulling Felix closer to his side. “Miss me?”</p><p>“Of course,” said Felix through gritted teeth.</p><p>“Oh,” the girl said, looking between the two of them with a hint of suspicion. “Well, sorry. I didn’t know you were taken. I’m gonna… go.”</p><p>Sylvain watched as she left. “Who the hell was that?”</p><p>“Her name is Anna,” said Felix. “This isn’t the first time she’s done this either. She’s outside of my classes sometimes. At first, she was like, trying to sell me drugs? And contraband weapons? And then I said I wasn’t interested and she started hitting on me. And wouldn’t stop for like two weeks.”</p><p>“I mean, she’s kinda-”</p><p>“If you say she’s hot I will kill you,” said Felix.</p><p>“I’ve never seen her before. Who here even knows her?”</p><p>“She might be Linhardt’s dealer or something. I don’t know if she actually goes to school here though.”</p><p>They stood for a moment. Sylvain realized he still had Felix pulled up against him. He pulled Felix closer for a split second.</p><p>“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Thank you for pretending to be my boyfriend so that scary girl would stop hitting on me, Sylvain,” Sylvain said in his best Felix impression.</p><p>“She wasn’t scary!” Felix pulled out of Sylvain’s grasp. “Sorry. Thanks.”</p><p>Sylvain watched him stumble on his feet a little bit.</p><p>“Are you drunk?”</p><p>“Mmmm, no,” Felix responded as he almost tripped again. “A little.”</p><p>Sylvain laughs. “Aw, Felix, you never get drunk. It’s cute.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Felix punched Sylvain in the arm. “What time is it? I’m tired.”</p><p>“Past midnight,” said Sylvain, looking at his watch. “Do you wanna just stay the night at my place? It’s closer, and I don’t know if Annette is ready to leave.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>They walked back to the main room for Sylvain to be proven correct--Annette was now deeply engrossed in a game of Smash against Dimitri.</p><p>“Taste my wrath!” she screamed at Dimitri, who had the good conscience to look a bit frightened. </p><p>“Annette!” Felix yelled, not caring to wait for her to finish her game. “I’m leaving with Sylvain. I'll be back in the morning.”</p><p>“Okay, be safe!” Annette yelled back, not looking up from her game. Everyone else waved goodbye as Sylvain and Felix grabbed their coats before venturing into the early November chill. </p><p>There were a decent amount of people outside, drunk college students heading home from parties or hopping between bars. They didn’t need to talk much as they made their way to Sylvain’s apartment--they crashed at one another’s places so often it had become a routine.</p><p>Sylvain opened the door to his apartment quietly so as not to wake his roommate, fellow redhead and eternal optimist Ferdinand von Aegir, who had very strict ideas about beauty sleep. He and Sylvain didn’t hang out much, but a year prior they were both in similar situations of disowning their parents and looking for cheap rent, so the arrangement worked out well enough.</p><p>As it turned out, Sylvain didn’t need to worry about the noise. Ferdinand was awake, sprawled on the couch with his friends Edelgard and Hubert, frequent guests of the apartment, watching some sort of anime. More specifically, Edelgard was sprawled with her head on Hubert’s lap and her feet on Ferdinand’s while the two men sat upright on either end of the couch.</p><p>“Hi,” said Sylvain. “Felix is staying tonight.”</p><p>Edelgard shushed him, waving him away.</p><p>“Sorry,” whispered Ferdinand. “It’s her favorite.”</p><p>Edelgard kicked him in the chest.</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“Let’s calm down,” said Hubert, stroking Edelgard’s hair until she settled back against him.</p><p>Sylvain looked at the screen. It looked like some anime boys with extremely long legs chasing a cat that was wearing a helmet. Edelgard had eclectic taste.</p><p>“You can join us, if you want,” said Ferdinand.</p><p>Edelgard, still taking up the entirety of the couch, seemed to have no intention of moving to make any room.</p><p>“That’s alright,” said Sylvain. “We’re just going to bed.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Ferdinand. “Goodnight!”</p><p>Hubert offered them a nod, and Sylvain was pretty sure Edelgard kicked Ferdinand again as he dragged Felix back to his room.</p><p>“Do you want-- oh.”</p><p>Felix had climbed into Sylvain’s bed and passed out before Sylvain could even offer a change of clothes. Sylvain changed clothes himself and turned out the lights, getting in bed next to Felix. There was nothing new about this routine--the two had been sharing beds ever since they were children. Sylvain slept more soundly with Felix next to him. After approximately 22 years of friendship, it was nice to have a grounding presence near him. The shared body heat didn't hurt, either.</p><p>“Goodnight, Felix,” said Sylvain before falling asleep.</p><p>--</p><p>Sylvain woke up before the sun was fully in the sky, which was a miracle for a Saturday morning. Then again, alcohol tended to mess with his Circadian rhythm. Felix was still asleep, rolled up in all of Sylvain’s blankets, facing the wall. Sylvain smiled--it wasn’t often that Felix looked so vulnerable. He put on more acceptable clothing and set out for the kitchen in hopes of procuring them some breakfast, or at least coffee.</p><p>Lo and behold, Edelgard and Hubert were seated at the kitchen island that served as their table. Edelgard was eating some sugary cereal for children that Sylvain was pretty sure Ferdinand only bought because of her frequent visits, and Hubert was scrolling through his phone, sipping from a mug of coffee.</p><p>“Where’s Ferdinand?” asked Sylvain.</p><p>“Good morning to you too,” said Edelgard through bites of cereal. “He’s on his morning run.”</p><p>“And you didn’t want to join him?” said Sylvain, pouring a mug of coffee from the coffee pot that Hubert already made.</p><p>“You think we run?” asked Edelgard.</p><p>“No, but you two don’t pay rent here, so…”</p><p>Neither of them dignified that with a response.</p><p>“I suppose we owe you our congratulations,” said Hubert, looking up from his phone.</p><p>“Congratulations for what?” asked Sylvain.</p><p>“Congratulations to you and Felix. We heard that you’re dating now,” said Edelgard.</p><p>It was this moment that Felix, bed-headed and bleary-eyed, decided to enter the kitchen. “Felix is what?”</p><p>Sylvain laughed--he couldn’t help himself. “Me and Felix? We’re not dating.”</p><p>“Apparently you announced it at that party last night,” said Edelgard. “Literally everyone is texting about it.”</p><p>“We’re not--Oh,” Felix said, realization dawning on him. “That fucking… she told everyone?”</p><p>“Ohhh,” said Sylvain, his memory jogged. “That weird girl who sells things was hitting on Felix to, like, an uncomfortable degree, so I came in and said I was his boyfriend so she would leave.”</p><p>“Well, you might wanna tell people that, because everyone thinks you’re actually dating,” said Edelgard.</p><p>“Who told you?” asked Felix. “I doubt everyone thinks that.”</p><p>The apartment door opened and in came Ferdinand, sweating, clad in his athletic apparel. “Sylvain! Felix! Congratulations!”</p><p>Felix groaned.</p><p>“They’re not actually dating, Ferdinand,” said Hubert.</p><p>“What?” Ferdinand frowned. “That’s too bad. I was hoping someone around here could finally have good luck with their love life.”</p><p>“I heard it from Byleth,” said Edelgard. “Who heard it from Claude, who heard it from Marianne, who heard it from Ashe, who heard it from--”</p><p>“Okay, we get it,” said Sylvain. “I’ll just text everyone right now. It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>“Wait,” said Felix. “Maybe we just… wait a little bit.”</p><p>“Why would we do that?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Felix sat down on the couch in the adjoining living area. “If she thinks I’m taken for long enough, she’ll finally stop bothering me. Right? If she hears we were lying she’ll just come back.”</p><p>“I guess you’re right,” said Sylvain. “I guess it could be… mutually beneficial. For a little while.”</p><p>“Mutually?” asked Felix.</p><p>“Do you remember how I was making out with Hilda last night?”</p><p>“Ugh,” Felix threw his head back against the couch. “No, but okay.”</p><p>“Well, afterward she went on this whole rant to me about how I could never take a relationship seriously or care about someone, you know?”</p><p>“You mean she told you what girls literally always tell you?”</p><p>Sylvain sighed. “Well, yeah. I guess I mean… it would be nice for people to think I’m actually in a real relationship for once. Good for my reputation.”</p><p>“So,” said Ferdinand, reminding the two of the other presences in the room. “You two are just going to… pretend to date?”</p><p>Sylvain turned to Felix. “I guess so.”</p><p>“You guys can’t tell anyone,” said Felix. “It will just get back to her.”</p><p>“We heard nothing,” said Edelgard.</p><p>“We were never here,” said Hubert.</p><p>“You’re lucky,” said Ferdinand. “There’s nothing those two love more than secrets. But I promise I won’t tell anyone either!”</p><p>“What now?” asked Sylvain.</p><p>“I guess I should answer these 50 unread texts,” said Felix, scrolling through his phone.</p><p>“Wait for me,” said Sylvain. “We need to keep our story consistent.”</p><p>--</p><p>The story they decided on was simple enough. They both had feelings for each other since their adolescence, but always thought it would get in the way of their friendship, until Sylvain took the initiative and finally kissed Felix at the party in the middle of the kitchen and the rest was history. At first, Sylvain wanted to say that he made a romantic gesture on a special date night, until Felix pointed out that Sylvain was literally making out with Hilda the night before and if they would've hypothetically gotten together before that, it would have counted as cheating. </p><p>It was almost laughable to Sylvain--the idea of Felix ever having a crush on him, especially in their youth and teenage years. Sylvain, a ticking time-bomb, crashing the family car and throwing glass bottles from the roof, covering bruises with hickeys, disguising the cuts and wounds Miklan gave him by looking for fights of his own--Felix had been there for all of it, standing quietly by his side as he tried to patch himself back up, but it drew them apart. Felix never wanted to be a part of his drunk joyrides or sexual flings. They didn't become close again until college, when Sylvain cleaned up his act a bit. Of course, Sylvain really was doing better now. He didn’t drink as much anymore, he kept his health in check, and he tried his very best not to do anything self-destructive--at least not too much. Not in the ways that drew attention. For the most part, it was working. He was approaching his final semester of his Physics degree with a 4.0, and he had even managed an English minor at the same time. He had applied to multiple graduate schools. He was going to leave and make a life for himself with no ties to the Gautier family--his father, his mother, Miklan. Everything was great, really. If his friends really believed that he could pull someone like Felix, then that was even more evidence that he was getting better. Right?</p><p>The next day was Sunday, and that evening Felix was at Sylvain’s apartment again. His excuse was that spending more time together would make their ruse a bit more believable, but Sylvain suspected what Felix really wanted was help studying for the finite math exam he had the next morning. Felix was stubborn and didn’t like to ask for help, but Sylvain always offered, pretending the whole thing was his idea. It was a bit of a habit the two had fallen into.</p><p>Edelgard and Hubert were at the apartment again, too, and Sylvain wondered how much time they actually spent at their own places. He knew that Edelgard lived with Dimitri in an apartment paid for by their parents, but he also knew that she and Dimitri hadn’t been getting along lately, for reasons unknown to him. He wasn’t sure where Hubert lived at all--Sylvain imagined him sleeping upside-down in a tree like a bat, or in a coffin under Edelgard’s bed.</p><p>Sylvain and Felix were at the kitchen island, finite textbook and multiple worksheets and torn pieces of looseleaf paper spread around them. The other three were on the couch again--Ferdinand and Hubert worked on their laptops while Edelgard sat between them, reading a book.</p><p>“Sylvain and Felix, pardon my curiosity,” said Ferdinand, looking up from his computer. “But I’ve been wondering. How are you going to keep convincing people you’re dating?”</p><p>Sylvain and Felix shared a look.</p><p>“I don’t know,” said Felix, at the same time Sylvain said, “Are we not convincing?”</p><p>“Well, you’re just acting the same,” said Ferdinand. “But I suppose if everyone is under the assumption that you’ve always had feelings for each other and just repressed them, then…”</p><p>“Ferdinand, their relationship isn’t our business,” said Hubert.</p><p>“Oh, come on,” said Edelgard, closing her book and leaning into his shoulder. “Stop pretending you don’t love to gossip more than the rest of us combined. Are you guys going to kiss?”</p><p>“Edelgard!” Ferdinand exclaimed, blushing.</p><p>Sylvain laughed but pointedly did not look at Felix. He didn’t know if they would kiss--they hadn’t really talked about how they would act in front of others.</p><p>“That would be weird,” Felix said, and Sylvain felt a similar drop in his stomach to when Hilda told him he couldn’t be in a real relationship. Was kissing him really that bad? Sylvain was a good kisser. Lots of people had told him so.</p><p>“Kissing your friends isn’t weird,” Edelgard said. “Hubert and I aren’t dating and we kiss all the time.”</p><p>To prove her point, she turned Hubert’s face to her own and kissed him on the lips.</p><p>“Okay, no,” Ferdinand groaned. “That is weird, you guys. You seriously have to understand it’s weird that you guys do that.”</p><p>“Wait,” said Felix. “You two aren’t dating?”</p><p>This earned a laugh from both Hubert and Edelgard and made Ferdinand blush even harder.</p><p>“He’s not really my type,” said Edelgard, kissing Hubert on the forehead.</p><p>Felix looked more confused than before.</p><p>“We can just…” Sylvain started, turning to stare at Felix, who wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “We can cross that bridge when we get there.”</p><p>“Well, I think you’ll be fine,” said Edelgard. “Most couples don’t make out in public anyway.”</p><p>“Yes, but this is Sylvain we’re talking about,” said Hubert. </p><p>“Oh, come on,” said Sylvain. “I don’t always do that.”</p><p>“If Sylvain and I were really dating, I wouldn’t let him make out with me in public anyway,” said Felix.</p><p>“What?” asked Sylvain. “Why not?”</p><p>“Because it’s weird and makes people uncomfortable!” said Felix. “Surely you know that by now.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” said Ferdinand. “There’s something to be said about grand romantic gestures.”</p><p>“Groping on a couch in the corner of a party can hardly be called a grand romantic gesture,” said Felix. “Can we stop talking about this? I have an exam tomorrow.”</p><p>“I need to head home, anyway,” Edelgard closed her book and stood up. “Hubert, will you walk with me?”</p><p>He nodded and she grabbed his hands, pulling him up from the couch. </p><p>“We’ll see you tomorrow, Ferdinand,” she said. “Bye Sylvain. Bye Felix. Good luck!”</p><p>Hubert offered them his customary nod and they left.</p><p>“Well, I’m going to get ready for bed, I think,” said Ferdinand, closing his laptop and standing up. “Good luck on your exam, Felix!”</p><p>“Thanks,” Felix mumbled, scribbling in the margins of his textbook.</p><p>“Goodnight,” said Sylvain, turning back to Felix’s textbook. “Let’s start this chapter over, okay?”</p><p>“I don’t see the point,” said Felix. “It doesn’t make sense regardless.”</p><p>“I just think we can think about this process like it isn’t actually math, you know?” Sylvain started. “Our goal is to find the best possible outcome in a problem. So let’s try a different example. Let’s say there’s a traveling merchant that sells both swords and lances.”</p><p>Felix scoffs at the example, knowing Sylvain was playing into his childhood fascination with medieval weaponry. “Okay.”</p><p>“He has $10,000 to invest in the weapons, and his available storage space is 50 weapons at the most. A sword costs $250, and a lance is $200. For profit, he can get $200 from a sword and $150 from a lance.”</p><p>“Okay,” Felix said, writing down everything Sylvain said.</p><p>“Obviously there are a ton of different combinations of swords and lances he could buy, but we want to find out which combination gives him the highest possible profit.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“So here’s what we do. X is the number of swords he buys and Y is the number of lances,” says Sylvain as Felix writes down the variables. “So obviously, X + Y has to be less than or equal to 50. At the same time, 250x + 200y has to be less than or equal to 10,000. So now…”</p><p>“I solve for X or Y,” said Felix, starting to work ahead.</p><p>“Exactly,” said Sylvain, watching his progress. </p><p>Felix continued to solve the problem, pausing every so often to think. Sylvain watched the way his grip on the pencil tightened when he was stuck, as if he were going to tear a hole in the paper, but each time he managed to figure it out until he came up with the answers.</p><p>“Perfect,” said Sylvain. “Now you just plug the variables back in, and you’re set.”</p><p>He finished the problem, Sylvain watching over his shoulder, trying not to breathe on Felix’s neck.</p><p>“I guess it wasn’t that hard,” said Felix. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Don’t mention it,” said Sylvain. “You’ll be perfectly fine for tomorrow.”</p><p>“Do you…” Felix started, looking at Sylvain and then looking back to his paper. “Nevermind.”</p><p>“What is it? You can tell me.”</p><p>“No, it’s just… maybe Ferdinand and Edelgard had a point earlier. That we should like… I don’t know. Figure out how we should sell this to people.”</p><p>“Oh, right,” said Sylvain. “I mean, I feel like it would make sense if you weren’t into PDA and stuff. I feel like people would just expect us to act normally.”</p><p>“You don’t know that.”</p><p>“Know what?”</p><p>“What I like,” said Felix. “In a relationship.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Sylvain. He was always caught off guard by the way Felix became a portrait of moving pictures in his head. He struggled to piece them together over and over again. Each time the result was different. “I guess I don’t. Do you think we should then?”</p><p>“Should what?”</p><p>“Be, like… affectionate.” Sylvain tested the waters. </p><p>“I mean, you make out with girls in public, so…”</p><p>“You want to make out with me in public?” Sylvain smiled.</p><p>“No!” said Felix, slapping Sylvain on the arm. “But we could like… I don’t know.”</p><p>Sylvain grabbed Felix’s hand before he could pull it back, surprised at how natural the action felt. Felix was one of his oldest friends, so he supposed touching like this in a platonic way was easy, in the way that Edelgard talked about. “Is this okay?”</p><p>Felix looked down at their joined hands. “Yeah.”</p><p>Sylvain pulled him into a hug. “And this? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Sylvain, you hug me all the time.”</p><p>“Yeah. Now you just have to pretend like you enjoy it.”</p><p>Felix rolled his eyes. “Just don’t pretend I’m one of your toys, okay? Anything but that and it will be fine.”</p><p>“My toys? I don’t treat anyone like-”</p><p>“Sylvain.”</p><p>“Fine,” said Sylvain as Felix pulled out of his grasp. “I won’t, okay? You are my super serious boyfriend.”</p><p>“Oh, by the way,” said Felix. “Are you free tomorrow morning around 10?”</p><p>“I don’t have my lab until 11:30, so yeah. Why?”</p><p>“That’s when my math class ends and it’s where Anna is usually waiting.”</p><p>“Ohhh, you want me to stake my claim and scare her off? I’ll be there,” Sylvain winked.</p><p>“Please just don’t be weird.”</p><p>“Me? Weird? Never.”</p><p>Felix scoffed at that. “I guess I should go home and try to sleep.”</p><p>“Alright,” said Sylvain as Felix got up and gathered his things, putting on his favorite blue fluffy coat. It was a cold night.</p><p>“Goodnight,” said Felix.</p><p>“Night,” said Sylvain, watching him leave in the dark.</p><p>He figured it was time to go to bed, too--or at least lay in bed and try to relax. He still had some reading to finish for his final English class. He found the novel waiting on his nightstand and opened it, pen in hand. The book they were currently reading was Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. It wasn’t an easy read, necessarily, as Woolf was the epitome of modernism and the novel required a great deal of attention and care in its reading, but Sylvain found it hard to put it down every time he started. The story all took place in one single day, and the main event was a party being held at the home of the protagonist, Clarissa Dalloway. The guests of her party were people from her past and present, friends and acquaintances and lovers--one guest in particular is Sally Seton, her best friend from her youth. Clarissa recounts the memory of the two girls trading books, trailing behind their male friends to kiss under the cover of the trees--she describes the pink gauze of one of Sally’s teenage dresses with stunning clarity. Sylvain could feel it in his hands. They reunite at the party, both married with children. It made Sylvain’s chest ache in a way he didn’t really understand. He tried to think of a way he could talk about it in class tomorrow without making it weird, but he wasn’t sure he could. He fell asleep thinking about the fabric of Felix’s coat.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm going to update the tags, but content warning for marijuana use in this chapter! It's pretty brief.</p><p>Just in case it's helpful, Sylvain, Mercedes, and Hubert are the oldest characters, being seniors in college (ages 21-22). Annette and Lysithea are the youngest as sophomores (ages 19-20). Pretty much everyone else is a junior (ages 20-21). It messes with canon ages a little, but oh well.</p><p>Also, you'll see in this chapter that there are a lot of background pairings, but the ones tagged are the ones that are more plot-relevant.</p><p>Hope everyone likes the update!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvain had a coffee date in the morning. Not a real date--there would be no real dating while he was pretend-dating Felix. He was a great and serious boyfriend, after all. It was for the better, though, Sylvain decided. He had needed a break from his constant cycle of romance--if it could even be called that. He could finally focus on himself now, after all!</p><p>His coffee date was with Mercedes von Matritz, who worked as a barista at the local cafe right off of campus. Once a week, he visited during her break and they drank coffee and talked, gossiping about their lives or the world around them. Mercedes was one of Sylvain’s only friends that was also entering her final semester before graduation, and he thought of her as a kindred spirit of sorts. For a few months, he thought he was in love with her, but after some potentially misguided kissing and one disastrous date sophomore year, they decided they were better off as friends. He was thankful for that--he didn’t have a lot of friends that he could open up to as much as he could with her.  Mercedes could see through all of the layers that he built up so meticulously--and that was a good thing, actually. Except for the fact that he would have to lie to her this morning when she asked him about Felix. It made him feel a little bit nauseated, but surely she would understand when it was all over and he could explain everything, right? He was just helping Felix in his time of need. For a moment he considered just telling her the truth, but decided against it. Felix didn’t want him to tell anyone, so he wouldn’t. It would be fine.</p><p>He entered the cafe and joined the line for the morning rush of students buying coffee before class. Mercedes was finishing off her last orders before her break. She looked gorgeous, her short hair pulled back with a headband and her face slightly flushed from the heat of the espresso machine she so meticulously operated. Sylvain waved, and she offered him her signature smile before getting back to what he assumed was some intricate latte art. </p><p>He ordered an iced coffee with cream--it was cold outside, but he loved iced coffee and wasn’t one to deny himself this treat. Mercedes made his drink and joined him with a coffee of her own. They sat at a table in the corner of the cafe.</p><p>“So,” started Mercedes without wasting any time. “Tell me about your love life.”</p><p>“There isn’t much to say,” said Sylvain. “It just kind of happened over the weekend.”</p><p>“I didn’t even know you liked him!” she said. “I mean, I suspected it a little bit sometimes, but I didn’t think it was something you were ever going to act on.”</p><p>That was an unexpected answer. </p><p>“You suspected it?”</p><p>“You just act more like yourself around him,” she said. “It’s sweet. I thought it was mostly because you’ve known each other for so long, but, well. You do the really stereotypical crush thing where you tell a joke and immediately look to him first to see if he laughs.”</p><p>Sylvain couldn’t hide his blush--he didn’t even realize that he did that.</p><p>“Well…”</p><p>“So what happened? A big romantic moment?”</p><p>“Not really. I just kissed him,” said Sylvain. “We were both kind of drunk.”</p><p>“Oh, Sylvain…”</p><p>“It’s not like that! I promise. We talked about...our feelings, afterward.”</p><p>“Well, that’s good,” said Mercedes. “I’m happy for you!”</p><p>“But…?”</p><p>“Why do you expect there to be a ‘but?’”</p><p>“There always is.”</p><p>“Well,” Mercedes took a sip of her coffee. “I just hope you’re gentle with him.”</p><p>“Gentle? With Felix? You should hope he’s gentle with me.”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant. I mean that you should be gentle with his emotions.”</p><p>Sylvain wasn’t sure how to respond to this. “Of course I will be. I’m not evil.”</p><p>“He just feels so much more deeply than everyone else, you know?” Mercedes sighed. “He could get his heart broken so easily. Not that you would do it on purpose, but…”</p><p>Sylvain knew that Felix felt things harder and stronger than the average person--it was the reason he acted, well, the way he did. He just knew those emotions weren’t for Sylvain. They were friends, of course, they always had been. Best friends, maybe. Sylvain knew that Felix felt love and fondness, whether it be for his other friends or the stray cats he found on the streets. He just didn’t feel those things for Sylvain. And that was fine--Sylvain was used to it. If they were really dating, Sylvain would be the one getting his heart broken. He knew this, but obviously that wasn’t something he could tell Mercedes. At least not now.</p><p>“Mercedes, I can promise you this is different from everything else,” he said.</p><p>That, at least, wasn’t a lie. Felix was simply different from everyone else. Their relationship was different--it always had been. If only Sylvain could come up with the proper words to describe how.</p><p>“I know,” she said. “Sorry if I came across as harsh. I just know I can be honest with you.”</p><p>“It’s okay, I know,” Sylvain swallowed the guilt rising in his throat. “Enough about me, though. How are things with you?”</p><p>“Oh, same old,” she said. “The post-grad job search is starting to take a toll.”</p><p>“Any luck yet?”</p><p>“I have an interview with a preschool soon, actually.”</p><p>“That’s amazing!” said Sylvain. “They’ll love you. You’ll be perfect.”</p><p>And he knew they would--Mercedes was wonderful with children, and any school would be lucky to have her as a teacher.</p><p>“Well, I hope so,” Mercedes smiled. “Have you heard from any grad schools yet?”</p><p>“Not yet,” said Sylvain. “But that’s to be expected. I probably won’t hear back from any for a few months.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sure they’re all dying to accept you,” said Mercedes, winking. “Unfortunately my break is just about over.”</p><p>“Hey, can I order another coffee to go? I’m going to meet Felix after his exam and I’m sure he’ll want one,” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“Of course,” said Mercedes. “I would be happy to make him one.”</p><p>Mercedes prepared another coffee in a to-go cup before starting her shift again.</p><p>“Thank you so much,” said Sylvain. “I’ll see you around!”</p><p>“This Friday, right?” asked Mercedes. “At Dimitri’s.”</p><p>Oh, right. Sylvain had forgotten that Dimitri was having people over to his place for a dinner party this weekend. He wondered if Edelgard would be there. That might make things weird.</p><p>“Right!” said Sylvain. “I can’t believe I forgot. I’ll see you then!”</p><p>Sylvain left the coffee shop and headed to the building where Felix had his exam. He clung to the coffee cup as if it were precious cargo--he didn’t want to spill it, and the heat on his hands was nice. It was really starting to get cold outside.</p><p>He arrived outside the building and checked his watch--9:58. He looked around for Anna, but she didn’t seem to be there. Maybe news of Felix’s blossoming love life had made her give up for good. Sylvain started to scroll through his phone while waiting, but it appeared he spoke too soon--he noticed a flash of red hair in his peripheral, and there she was. She was obviously standing at a distance, trying to be unnoticed, and Sylvain wasn’t sure if she could see him. She was wearing a trench coat. He wondered if she kept all of her paraphernalia inside like those guys on classic TV shows.</p><p>Students were exiting the building--it must have been Felix’s class leaving their exam. Anna stalked closer to the door. Sylvain spotted Felix leaving--his hair was a mess and he looked grumpy, but that wasn’t anything new. His eyes softened a bit when he noticed Sylvain.</p><p>“Here you go, math star,” he said to Felix, handing him the coffee.</p><p>Felix looked surprised. “Thank you.”</p><p>“How was your exam?”</p><p>“It was okay.”</p><p>“‘Okay’ is better than ‘terrible,’ so I’m counting this as a success,” said Sylvain.</p><p>Felix smiled at that, before drawing his eyebrows together. “Is she here?”</p><p>Sylvain jerked his head backward, indicating her location. He pulled Felix closer, wrapping his arms around him, careful not to spill the coffee in Felix’s hands. “She’s been stalking around for a couple of minutes.”</p><p>Felix rested his head in the crook of Sylvain’s shoulder. “Oh yeah. I see her now.”</p><p>“Is she leaving?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“No, she’s just watching.”</p><p>“Here, she can watch this,” said Sylvain, taking Felix’s chin in his hands, angling it upwards. He swept Felix’s bangs out of his face and kissed him on the forehead. Felix blushed--this must have been embarrassing him, but they had an audience, and Sylvain knew it was for the best to give her a show.</p><p>He rested his forehead against Felix’s for a moment. He had no idea if Anna was still there.</p><p>“She left,” said Felix, pulling out of Sylvain’s embrace.</p><p>To Sylvain’s surprise, he missed Felix’s presence immediately. Holding someone close was nice--he wasn’t used to these gentle touches and embraces. Maybe he should try actually dating someone for real when this was all over. It was nice.</p><p>“Thanks for helping,” said Felix. “And for the coffee.”</p><p>“What are boyfriends for?” Sylvain winked, which earned him a playful shove. “I’m mostly just glad to hear your exam went well.”</p><p>“I definitely understood the linear programming, at least, but there was some other stuff I wasn’t sure about,” said Felix between sips of coffee. “But it was definitely better than last time.”</p><p>Sylvain knew that Felix had failed his last two exams and was dangerously close to a failing grade for the entire class--a class that he needed in order to graduate. Sylvain wanted to help him, but it was hard without being pushy. Felix was independent to a fault.</p><p>“Can I walk you to your next class?”</p><p>“Yeah, sure,” said Felix.</p><p>Sylvain took Felix’s hand, glancing over at him to make sure it was okay. Felix nodded. Besides Felix’s hand in his own, everything felt similar. They walked to classes together often. It was nice. Sylvain wondered if this is how being with someone was supposed to feel.</p><p>--</p><p>On Thursday evening, Sylvain came home late from a lab, exhausted and annoyed after experiencing way too many errors in his current project. He was looking forward to finally sitting down, eating something, and then going to bed early. It had been a long week, and he didn’t have any Friday classes to prepare for.</p><p>There were voices coming from inside the apartment. Sylvain stopped in his tracks. What was he about to walk in on? He put his ear to the door and listened.</p><p>“...and we wouldn’t have to do this every week if you weren’t so irresponsible--”</p><p>That sounded like Hubert.</p><p>“It’s not my fault you refuse to take anything I say seriously!” Ferdinand replied.</p><p>“I would take you seriously if you ever said something that was worth taking seriously.”</p><p>“You don’t even come up with your own ideas. You just take everything Edelgard says as gospel. You wouldn’t last a minute on your own.”</p><p>“You don’t know anything about me, Ferdinand von Aegir.”</p><p>Sylvain felt himself being slammed back by the opening door. Hubert was in the process of storming out, but Sylvain was serving as a roadblock, apparently. He offered Sylvain a glare before leaving.</p><p>Ferdinand looked to Sylvain. “Did you hear all that?”</p><p>“Only a little bit,” said Sylvain, entering the apartment and closing the door behind him. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>Ferdinand sighed. “You know how I’m in a poli sci class with Edelgard and Hubert? We have a group project and… well.”</p><p>“Not going well?” </p><p>“No, it isn’t,” Ferdinand said. “It’s… well. It’s a lot to explain.”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it? I have time.”</p><p>Ferdinand began without hesitation. “It all started when we were in high school. Edelgard and Hubert have known each other since they were little kids, but I only met them then. I know it’s silly, but I was very different back then. My ego was very big.”</p><p>Sylvain laughed at this.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Sylvain said. “Sorry. Keep going.”</p><p>“Well, I was obsessed with being the best at everything. I think it came from my father instilling all of these ideals in me that--well, you know that I don’t talk to my family anymore. Sorry, you aren’t my therapist. Anyway, I was pretty smart and I did well, but Edelgard was my biggest rival. Student council, Model UN, debate team, she was always better than me. I tried so hard, but I could never come out on top.”</p><p>“I understand how that can feel,” said Sylvain.</p><p>“I don’t know,” said Ferdinand. “You’re really smart, Sylvain. I feel like things always come easily to you.”</p><p>Sylvain shrugged. It was a little bit true--Sylvain was talented, and he didn’t have to try really hard when it came to academics or other extracurriculars. It didn’t mean he didn’t try in every other area of his life. He didn’t need to get into the details. “Either way.”</p><p>“You’re like Edelgard,” Ferdinand continued. “Nothing was hard for her. I thought of her as my rival, but she didn’t think of me at all. I wasn’t even in competition with her. It made me desperately try to get her attention, and I wasn’t really nice about it.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine you being mean to anyone in your life,” said Sylvain. “Last week you gave a house spider a drink of water before putting it outside.”</p><p>“I’ve grown up a lot,” said Ferdinand. “I would always try to show off to other people and prove to them I was better than her. Edelgard mostly ignored me, but it made Hubert mad. They’re really close, if you haven’t noticed. I think he seriously wanted to kill me for a while, and I can’t really blame him. But it’s like… most of the time I feel like our relationship has changed, and we’re friends now. We’ve been hanging out since freshman year anyway, and they’re always over here, and usually it’s fine. We have a good time. Hubert and I even go out for coffee sometimes, and we’ll have real conversations and he will respect me. He smiles at me, even! But then stuff like this happens and it’s like he’s disgusted with my existence and doesn’t want anything to do with me at all. Like he still thinks I’m the obnoxious high schooler from so long ago.”</p><p>Sylvain nodded. He knew all too well how it felt for his friends to look down on him. “It seems like he just has a hard time expressing emotions. I mean, the dude’s kinda scary. You have to admit that. I think some of it is a front.”</p><p>“You’re probably right, but when he’s nice to me, it’s like… Everything is right. We can fit so well together sometimes. And then it goes away as quickly as it started. And it would be okay if it weren’t for…”</p><p>Ferdinand stopped. He looked down at his feet. Sylvain could sense where this conversation was going.</p><p>“Do you like him?” Sylvain asked. “Like, romantically.”</p><p>“I’ve been in love with him ever since high school,” said Ferdinand.</p><p>“Aw, come here,” said Sylvain, opening his arms to envelop Ferdinand in a miserable hug. “Actually, you know what? I know what could make you feel better. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Sylvain admittedly wasn’t much for relationship advice, but he definitely knew how to make people happy. He knew what he had to find--Sylvain was saving them for a special occasion, but he figured comforting his lovesick roommate was as special as it gets. He found the gummy edibles he got from Linhardt in the special box in his room and brought them back to Ferdinand.</p><p>“Have you ever smoked weed?” asked Sylvain.</p><p>Ferdinand’s eyes widened a little. “No. It’s not that I’m opposed, it’s just never… been presented to me.”</p><p>“Well, this will be fun for you, I think,” Sylvain handed Ferdinand a gummy.</p><p>“An edible?” Ferdinand asked, promptly eating it before Sylvain could answer the question. “How long does it take to work?”</p><p>“Probably about an hour,” said Sylvain, popping the other edible in his mouth. “Wanna watch a movie?”</p><p>Ferdinand nodded, eager. The two didn’t have a ton in common, but one thing they did share was their taste in art. Specifically, they both loved theatre more than any of their other friends--they bonded over the fact that Sylvain wanted to be an actor when he was a child while Ferdinand always dreamed of being an opera singer. If Sylvain was being honest, he had the voice to do it, if he really wanted to. Whenever they watched a movie when Edelgard or Hubert or Felix or any of Sylvain’s any other friends weren’t over, it was usually a musical, or a pro-shot of a Broadway production if they were feeling particularly spicy.</p><p>Tonight, they decided on Cabaret. Sylvain had always preferred the stage version (and figured he would make a good emcee), but the film was excellent in its own right. The story recontextualized itself to the screen really well with all of the new characters--he was especially fond of Fritz and Natalia, and of course the threesome between Sally, Brian, and Maximilian. He was glad Ferdinand could appreciate his favorite line: </p><p>(“Screw Maximilian.”<br/>
“I do.”<br/>
“...So do I.”)</p><p>After about an hour, Sylvain felt the effects of the edible start to kick in--that line is funny, but it’s not always this funny. He was pretty sure Ferdinand was crying from laughter. Sometimes Sylvain found it hard to concentrate while high, but it made the musical numbers seem a lot more impressive, and the emotional depth of the plot was even more gripping than usual.</p><p>“Sylvain?” Ferdinand asked.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I can’t understand the words anymore.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Like, I know they’re talking, but it doesn’t sound like language.”</p><p>Sylvain laughed at this. “Okay, we’ll finish this another time while sober.”</p><p>He turned off the movie and switched to whatever the local station was playing.</p><p>“Do you think Hubert hates me?” Ferdinand asked, looking embarrassingly earnest. Sylvain supposed he always was.</p><p>“No, of course he doesn’t hate you,” said Sylvain. “I think he fights with you because he likes to push your buttons.”</p><p>Ferdinand blushed and turned away. “That sounds sexual.”</p><p>Sylvain laughed. “Well, it could be.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Well, yeah, sure. Arguments can have a lot of undercurrents of sexual tension. It happens to me all the time.”</p><p>Ferdinand considered this. “Maybe if I keep provoking him he’ll give up and kiss me.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Sylvain laughed. “You’ll have to try.”</p><p>“Sylvain?” Ferdinand asked. “Do you ever feel like you’re accessing secret emotions that shouldn’t be accessed by anyone in the universe?”</p><p>Sylvain was getting sleepy. “I can't say I have.”</p><p>“I think I’m time traveling,” said Ferdinand. “I need to write this down.”</p><p>Ferdinand laid face-down on the couch instead of writing down his instructions for time traveling.</p><p>Sylvain stood up and watched the rise and fall of Ferdinand’s chest to make sure he was still breathing. “Ferdie? Still time travelling?”</p><p>“No. I need to pee.”</p><p>“Okay, come on.” Sylvain dragged Ferdinand up by his elbows. “It’s past your bedtime.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sylvain, Felix, and Annette stood outside of Dimitri’s apartment on Friday evening. Dimitri was hosting a “dinner party,” which usually amounted to all of his friends eating food, sitting on his nice furniture, and messing around, but Sylvain wasn’t sure what to expect this time. He still didn’t know why Dimitri and Edelgard were fighting, but they barely spoke to each other, and he knew she would be here tonight, with some of her friends as well--he knew at least Ferdinand and Hubert would be there. Dimitri would try and be accommodating, but who knew how long that would last. He wasn’t always the most patient person, especially when it came to Edelgard.</p><p>Annette knocked on the door before Sylvain could finish pondering their potential doom. Dedue and Ashe answered the door--by the looks of it, they had been the ones cooking.</p><p>“Hi!” said Ashe, ushering them inside.</p><p>“Hey, you two,” said Sylvain. “You smell incredible.”</p><p>Ashe blushed at the compliment, but Dedue took it in earnest--he really was the best cook of their friend group. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Hello, my friends!” said Dimitri.</p><p>He seemed to be in high spirits. He was sitting on the couch with Claude, and they seemed to be conspiring about something. Sylvain wished he could overhear that conversation--Claude always brought out Dimitri’s happy side. For an unusually stoic man, he never laughed more than when he was in Claude’s presence.</p><p>Most of their other friends had already arrived, either sitting around chatting or helping prepare the food. The only one absent was Ingrid, who was studying abroad in Iceland for the year. She sent postcards every month. Mercedes was hard at work in the kitchen, and Annette made a beeline for her.</p><p>“I brought this!” she said, offering the plate of cookies in her hands. “Felix helped me bake them.”</p><p>“Awww, Felix,” said Mercedes. “Turning over a new leaf?”</p><p>“I mostly just cracked the eggs,” said Felix, but he was blushing. Sylvain knew he liked helping Annette bake, even if he wasn’t very good at it.</p><p>Someone else emerged from the kitchen, almost running into Annette.</p><p>“Oh, let me introduce you guys,” said Claude, getting up from the couch. “This is Lysithea. She’s in the class I T.A. for. She’s a sophomore.”</p><p>Lysithea glared at Claude, crossing her arms. “You don’t have to start by telling them I’m a sophomore.”</p><p>“But how else would they know?” said Claude, ruffling her hair. “You certainly don’t look like one.”</p><p>Lysithea pushed Claude off of her. “It’s embarrassing.”</p><p>“I’m a sophomore too,” said Annette. “It’s okay.”</p><p>“You are?” asked Lysithea.</p><p>“Yeah! I’m Annette,” Annette held out her hand.</p><p>Lysithea shook her hand. “You’re shorter than me.”</p><p>Annette blushed. “Well, I can’t really help it.”</p><p>“Can you help me put everything on plates?”</p><p>Annette nodded and followed her into the kitchen.</p><p>“Aww,” said Sylvain. “They grow up so fast.”</p><p>The door opened again, and in came Edelgard, Hubert, Ferdinand, and Byleth trailing behind them. She held a bouquet of flowers in her hands.</p><p>For a moment, nobody spoke, until Byleth approached Dimitri and handed him the flowers. “For our lovely host.”</p><p>“How beautiful,” said Dimitri. “I’ll go get a vase immediately!”</p><p>“Technically, he’s just the co-host,” said Edelgard.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” said Byleth, joining Edelgard’s side. “I have a different present for you later.”</p><p>Edelgard looked to her feet, blushing crimson all the way to her hairline. Ferdinand and Hubert were refusing to speak, and also refusing to look at each other. Sylvain figured those details were related.</p><p>“Hey!” he offered, because it seemed like nobody else was going to greet them.</p><p>“Hello, Sylvain,” said Ferdinand, before approaching and giving him a hug.</p><p>Sylvain was surprised, but accepted Ferdinand into his arms. “Hey, buddy.”</p><p>Felix raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“We had some quality roommate bonding time this week,” offered Sylvain by way of explanation.</p><p>“Dinner is ready!” said Ashe, and everyone gathered in the kitchen.</p><p>The food looked great. Last time, Dimitri and Byleth were the ones on cooking duty, and they ended up with a strange fish concoction. Sylvain was pretty sure that Dimitri didn’t have working tastebuds and that Byleth would probably eat out of the trash if the option was presented, so he wasn’t surprised.</p><p>The meal went fairly well, all things considered. Annette and Lysithea were incredibly talkative, drawing even the likes of Hubert into a conversation, which was a good distraction from the tension between the various other guests. When everyone was almost finished, Dimitri clumsily tapped his glass with his fork, causing it to crack. Everyone stared at him.</p><p>“I… didn’t mean to do that.”</p><p>He stared dejectedly at his broken glass.</p><p>“What were you trying to do?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“Well, I have an announcement.”</p><p>“An announcement?” asked Felix. He looked incredulous.</p><p>“Well,” Dimitri cleared his throat. “Claude and I are dating.”</p><p>Oh. That explained a lot of things, actually.</p><p>“Congratulations!” Mercedes beamed. “I’m so happy for the two of you.”</p><p>“I know making a formal announcement might seem strange, but you’re all my closest friends, and I’d like for you to all know what’s happening in my life,” said Dimitri.</p><p>Claude smiled and took his hand. “Admit it. You just wanted to show me off.”</p><p>Dimitri blushed. “That too.”</p><p>“Wow, so many happy new couples this week!” said Ashe</p><p>Sylvain looked around at the table. Their friend group did have a lot of couples now. Ashe and Dedue had been dating for years, plus now Dimitri and Claude, even Ferdinand and Hubert if they played their cards right--a swift kick in the shin from Felix made Sylvain realize that Ashe was referring to them. Oh yeah. Everyone here thought Sylvain and Felix were dating.</p><p>Sylvain ruffled Felix’s hair. “Well, what can I say?”</p><p>Felix rolled his eyes, but he didn’t complain.</p><p>After finishing their food and working together to clean up, everyone migrated to the living room to play a card game. Claude explained the rules to them. It was pretty simple: everyone was given four cards and had to guess the details of the cards being dealt to them for all the next rounds, and eventually match them. Whoever was left with the most cards was the loser. It was usually a drinking game, but Dimitri, always the responsible one, had recently turned 21 and refused to supply anyone underage with alcohol.</p><p>“This game is stupid,” said Lysithea after one round. “Can’t we play real cards? Like poker?”</p><p>“Ooh, poker!” said Annette. “That sounds fun. We could gamble!”</p><p>“We’re not gambling,” said Claude. “Not at Dimitri’s house. Save it for my place.”</p><p>Claude held a card out to Sylvain, and Sylvain had to guess if the rank would fall inside or outside of the two cards he already had--a 3 and a 9.</p><p>“Inside,” he guessed.</p><p>Claude handed him a 4. “Yes!”</p><p>It was an amusing game, and once they got the hang of it, it moved quickly. In the final round, they had to guess the suit of the card they would receive. It was Ferdinand’s turn, but he was taking a long time to answer.</p><p>“Would you stop trying to look at my cards?” asked Hubert, directly to his left. “You’re cheating.”</p><p>“It’s not cheating, it’s strategy,” said Ferdinand. “If I know what suits are already in play, I have a better idea of which ones to guess.”</p><p>“You literally just described cheating,” said Lysithea.</p><p>“You cheat at games all the time,” said Ferdinand, turning to Hubert. “Why do you have to call me out?”</p><p>“You always say you’re above cheating. That it’s against your moral code or whatever drivel it is you’re always going on about.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for having a moral compass!”</p><p>“That you’re actively going against right now.”</p><p>Ferdinand opened his mouth to respond, then closed it. Sylvain assumed he was changing his strategy. Nobody spoke.</p><p>“Well, what are you going to do about it?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” asked Hubert.</p><p>Ferdinand inched closer to him. “You’re clearly so bothered by my behavior. Are you going to stop me?”</p><p>Hubert looked at him, not responding. Ferdinand got even closer. “Well?”</p><p>At this, Hubert took Ferdinand by his shirt collar and kissed him.</p><p>The reactions were mixed. Annette and Mercedes gasped. Lysithea mimed gagging. Claude whistled. Felix closed his eyes. They still hadn’t stopped kissing--they both dropped all of their cards.</p><p>“Great,” said Lysithea, throwing down her cards. “Cards is ruined.”</p><p>Edelgard cleared her throat. “I apologize for the behavior of my, ah, guests.”</p><p>Ferdinand and Hubert finally came up for air. Ferdinand had the decency to look embarrassed, but Hubert looked a little bit too pleased with himself.</p><p>“I, ah,” said Ferdinand. “I’m going to the bathroom.”</p><p>He got up and ran down the hall. Hubert was quick to follow.</p><p>“Well, that was interesting,” said Claude. “Maybe I’ll implement that as a new rule. Anyone caught cheating has to make out with the person next to them. Speaking of, Dimitri is definitely cheating.”</p><p>Dimitri blushed. “We’ll just give them time to figure out, um, whatever that was.”</p><p>Mercedes stood up, looking at her phone. “I hate to leave you all hanging like this, but I have work in the morning and need my beauty sleep.”</p><p>“We’ll walk you home,” said Dedue, standing up with Ashe. </p><p>The evening was coming to an end. Everyone said their goodbyes--Annette opted to leave with Mercedes, so Felix and Sylvain left by themselves.</p><p>“I guess I won’t be expecting Ferdinand home tonight anytime soon, huh?” asked Sylvain during their walk home.</p><p>Felix stopped suddenly and laughed, grabbing Sylvain’s shoulder for support.</p><p>“What is it?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>“Imagine,” said Felix. “Having sex with someone. And you have to moan the name ‘Hubert’.”</p><p>Overall, it was one of Sylvain’s better nights.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I graduated back in May amidst the pandemic so writing this is like...wow I miss college.</p><p>Content warning for mentions of vomiting, but there are no details.</p><p>The E.E. Cummings poem mentioned in this chapter is "somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond".</p><p>Also, this fic now has a <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7xOv1ZPVKf5ZX98MQQ12NO?si=0SNqNtTkSvyuMwIabFqInA">playlist</a>! It's mostly just ~vibes~ but also includes songs mentioned in the fic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix’s older brother Glenn died when Felix was a freshman in high school. Sylvain didn’t remember a lot of his high school experience due to being under the influence more often than not, but he remembered this time period with biting clarity. Rodrigue would go back and forth from staring blankly at the television to spending long hours at work, and Felix went from punching anything he could get his hands on at the gym to laying catatonic in his bed. Their family friends would visit and leave all kinds of food, but it often sat uneaten on the kitchen counter.</p><p>Glenn was the epitome of the “cool older brother” stereotype. All of their female friends, namely Ingrid, were in love with him--even Sylvain would get a little nervous whenever Glenn hung around with them. Felix loved Glenn without any reservations. Sylvain remembered how he would hang on Glenn’s shoulders, constantly pestering him to watch whatever new silly sports trick or fighting technique he had come up with. Glenn was always the reserved one, sarcastic and quiet, offering his rare smiles to Felix and sometimes the rest of their friends. Sylvain saw a lot of Glenn in the way that Felix acted now.</p><p>Dimitri’s family was always closest to Felix’s, and they spent a lot of time together--the car accident that took Glenn was the same that took Dimitri’s father. Dimitri had been there too, and ever since then his relationship with Felix had irreparably changed. Sylvain was pretty sure they never had a real conversation about either of their survivor’s guilt. Dimitri moved in with his stepmother and they didn’t spend time together anymore for a long time. They just bit it back to think about another day.</p><p>Sylvain and Felix spent a lot of time together after Glenn’s death, whether it be in Felix’s bedroom or Sylvain’s, whose parents paid them no attention. Felix often came over when he wanted to hide from Rodrigue. They didn’t need to speak. They would play video games, watch trashy TV, or lay in bed listening to Felix’s iPod, sharing a pair of earbuds. Felix clung to him at night like a baby otter floating down the river. Sylvain never asked questions. He simply opened his arms and let Felix in.</p><p>--</p><p>On Saturday night, Claude managed to rope a group into going out to the bars. They all met up in Claude, Hilda, and Marianne’s shared apartment to pregame. Sylvain had spent the day finishing a lab write-up that he was pretty proud of, and getting through some readings for his literature class. They had shifted from modernist novelists to modernist poets, and Sylvain found himself becoming slightly enamored with E.E. Cummings. As he walked in the cold, late evening darkness to Claude’s house, he couldn’t stop reciting a verse in one of the poems he had read over and over again in his head:</p><p>“(i do not know what it is about you that closes<br/>
and opens;only something in me understands<br/>
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)<br/>
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands”.</p><p>Sylvain arrived at Claude’s apartment with a fifth of cheap tequila to share--he wanted to let loose a bit after the eventful week, but refused to pay $7 for a cocktail at any of their local haunts.</p><p>“Welcome to the party,” said Claude, opening the door to let him in.</p><p>Felix was already there, sitting next to Byleth on the couch and nursing a beer, watching everyone else’s antics. Dimitri looked well on his way to being drunk, his cheeks flushed, bopping his head along to the music as Hilda showed him her playlists. Sylvain hoped he wouldn’t have to play babysitter later.</p><p>The song playing was something upbeat and a little harsh. He listened to the lyrics.</p><p>“Hilda, what is jopping?”</p><p>“Jumping and popping, duh!”</p><p>“Oh, of course,” said Sylvain, making himself a drink.</p><p>“Marianne actually showed me this song,” said Hilda, elbowing Marianne, who was leaning against the kitchen counter, scrolling through her phone. “She has the best taste in music. Who knew?”</p><p>“That was a backhanded compliment,” said Marianne, eyebrows furrowed. Hilda only giggled in response.</p><p>“Felix, do you want a drink?” Sylvain asked.</p><p>Felix might have already been a little drunk, because he nodded, getting up to join Sylvain in the kitchen, leaning against him as he poured a drink.</p><p>“We should take a shot!” exclaimed Hilda. “Marianne?”</p><p>“Okay,” said Marianne, to Hilda’s evident surprise.</p><p>“I’ll pour them!” said Dimitri, but Claude intercepted before he could pick up any of the fragile shot glasses.</p><p>“No, let me,” he said, quickly and efficiently pouring a vodka shot for everyone. </p><p>Sylvain had reservations about switching between liquors so early in the night, but he was still young. Right? Everyone else was already more drunk than him. He made a mental  note not to have any more drinks at the bars, just in case he was needed later, which was seeming more likely by the minute.</p><p>“Cheers!” said Hilda, throwing back her shot.</p><p>Felix took his shot and then took a long sip of the drink Sylvain made for him. Sylvain raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“It’s been a long week,” said Felix. </p><p>Sylvain was definitely going to have to play babysitter later.</p><p>--</p><p>Sylvain was a little buzzed, but he was quickly realizing being at the bar in his current state was much different than being at the bar completely wasted. It was a lot of squeezing through crowds, sitting, standing back up, squeezing through the crowds again to go sit in a different part of the bar--it was repetitive, really. The first bar they visited was pretty small and low-key, so it was where they always preferred to start the night. It was above a thrift store and only accessible through a back stairwell, and thus it was affectionately dubbed “The Attic.” Their famous drink was some sort of bright blue concoction--Sylvain still wasn’t sure how many different liquors it contained. Maybe it changed every night. Either way, it was only $3, and in a college town that was as good as anything.</p><p>Sylvain currently found himself perched on a high stool at a little table watching Byleth, Claude, Dimitri, and Felix play darts. Dimitri was losing pathetically, even with Claude’s attempt to steady his hands. Felix, despite growing tipsy, was always a good shot. Sylvain laughed as Dimitri launched a dart into the wall next to the board and it stuck. While Dimitri, with the help of Byleth, was unsuccessfully attempting to get his dart unstuck, Marianne threw herself into the seat next to Sylvain, a large blue drink in her hands. She took a long sip before setting it down in front of her. She was sulking.</p><p>Marianne and Sylvain were pretty good friends. They met in a class the year before and worked together on a lot of partner assignments. She was shy to a fault, but Sylvain learned quickly not to push her, and they grew into a comfortable rhythm working together. Once Marianne grew comfortable with him, she opened up, and he found that the two had a lot in common--similar taste in books, television, and a clinical diagnosis of major depressive disorder. They texted a lot, sending memes and Youtube links back and forth or just venting about their current problems. Sylvain could tell Marianne had something on her mind right now.</p><p>“Hey, Marianne,” said Sylvain. “How are you doing tonight?”</p><p>“Have you seen Hilda since we’ve been here?”</p><p>“No, I haven’t, now that you mention it.”</p><p>“Well, she’s over there,” said Marianne, pointing to a different corner of the bar.</p><p>There was Hilda, swaying back and forth to the music and laughing with a guy that Sylvain didn’t recognize. He wondered if Hilda had abandoned her goal of finding a serious relationship. Maybe that had just been an act to get rid of Sylvain. He wouldn’t blame her if it was.</p><p>“Who’s that guy?” said Sylvain.</p><p>“I don’t know,” said Marianne, taking another long sip of her drink. “If I tell you something can you promise to not tell anyone ever?”</p><p>“Of course,” said Sylvain, scooting closer to Marianne so they could lower their conversational volume.</p><p>Marianne’s face flushed and she avoided eye contact with Sylvain. “She kissed me last night.”</p><p>Sylvain’s eyes widened. “Oh. Is that… did you want her to?”</p><p>Marianne shrugged. “She’s tried to before, but it’s always when she’s drunk and wants to play around, like ‘Oh Marianne, it would be so much fun if we made out right now,’ and I always said no because… I don’t know. I don’t like those kinds of games.”</p><p>Sylvain nodded. “Last night was different?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Marianne said. Her drink was almost empty. “We were just at the apartment studying last night while Claude was at Dimitri’s place, and we were sitting on the couch and she just…”</p><p>Marianne took another long sip of her drink. Sylvain waited.</p><p>“She just looked over at me and told me I was so beautiful and asked if she could kiss me and I said yes. I don’t know why I said yes. I’m so stupid.”</p><p>“You’re not stupid,” said Sylvain.</p><p>“Yes I am. I know she was making out with you just a week ago,” said Marianne. “No offense.”</p><p>“None taken,” said Sylvain.</p><p>“After that night with you she told me all this stuff about how she was done with guys and only wanted someone to take her seriously and love her and all this stuff, and I… maybe I took that the wrong way. But whatever. Last night seemed different than the other times, and it was nice. We didn’t do anything else but just cuddled on the couch until Claude came home. But today she’s been really weird and won’t get near me, and now…”</p><p>Marianne gestured vaguely to Hilda’s general area, where she was laughing at whatever this random guy must have said to her.</p><p>“Damn, Marianne,” said Sylvain. “I would say she’s probably really confused, but that doesn’t give her any right to treat you like that. She can’t play with your feelings.”</p><p>“I know,” said Marianne. “I told myself to never get my feelings involved with her in any capacity because I figured something like this would happen. I don’t know why I thought it would be different last night. I’m so stupid.”</p><p>Marianne finished her drink, groaned, and put her head down on the table, quickly realizing the table was sticky and covered in unidentifiable liquids and pulling her head back up, groaning again. Sylvain rubbed small circles on her back.</p><p>“You’re not stupid,” said Sylvain. “You acted the way any other person would’ve acted. You have a big heart and nobody has the right to play with it. And the great thing is you know that you deserve better. Right?”</p><p>Marianne nodded. “At least I haven’t cried about it. I think I’m getting better at not crying over these things.”</p><p>Claude noticed Marianne at the table and abandoned his darts game, which looked to be devolving into chaos anyway as Felix had started aiming his darts at different sections of the wall instead of the board. Sylvain was going to need to reign him in soon.</p><p>“Hey, Mari,” said Claude. “Want another drink?”</p><p>“Yes, please,” said Marianne, jumping up from her seat to go back to the bar with Claude.</p><p>Sylvain got up and went to where Felix was aiming a dart at the ceiling. “Having fun?”</p><p>“Don’t distract me,” said Felix.</p><p>Sylvain laughed, taking the darts from Felix’s hand. “Unfortunately I’m afraid you’re going to get us kicked out if you keep throwing darts at the ceiling. Or accidentally cause someone to lose an eye, and Dimitri already only has one, so.”</p><p>“I don’t even know where any of my darts are,” said Dimitri. “I’m going to find Claude.”</p><p>Byleth was quick to follow. </p><p>“Come on!” She encouraged Sylvain and Felix.</p><p>“He’s up at the bar,” said Sylvain. “Shall we join them?”</p><p>Felix nodded, and they joined their friends at the bar, squeezing through an ever-growing crowd to get to the bartender. Claude, Marianne, Dimitri, and Byleth all had brand new bright blue drinks. Felix ordered his own as well. It was funny--Sylvain wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Felix drink something sweet before.</p><p>Hilda joined them soon after. “Hiii! I’m gonna order another drink too!”</p><p>Before Hilda could approach the bartender, Marianne tripped forward and spilled her entire drink down Hilda’s front. “Oops.”</p><p>“Oh my god!” Hilda wailed. “Marianne!”</p><p>“Sorry,” Marianne offered, but she didn’t really look sorry.</p><p>Sylvain bit back his smile.</p><p>“Ugh,” Hilda complained, pulling at her wet shirt that was quickly turning from pink to blue. “Sylvain, can you come help me clean up?”</p><p>Sylvain nodded, taking Hilda by the hand and leading her to the bathrooms.</p><p>“I’m not going inside the girl’s bathroom,” said Sylvain.</p><p>“I know,” said Hilda. “Just wait for me by the door. Please?”</p><p>Sylvain nodded as Hilda entered. The bathroom was mostly empty, at least for now.</p><p>“My shirt is ruined,” said Hilda. “And my pants are sticky.”</p><p>Sylvain could hear her turning the faucets on and off and making use of the electric hand dryer.</p><p>“Do you want to go home?” he asked.</p><p>“Of course not!” exclaimed Hilda. “I came out to rally, and I’m not changing my plans. I’m just super annoyed.”</p><p>Sylvain didn’t want to break Marianne’s trust, but he wanted to push Hilda toward any hint of self-awareness. “Did something happen between you and Marianne?”</p><p>He could hear Hilda sigh over the sound of the faucet running. “No. Not really.”</p><p>Sylvain supposed he wasn’t going to get anywhere on that front. “Is your shirt any better?”</p><p>Hilda left the bathroom. There was still a huge stain on her pink top. “Not really.”</p><p>“Here,” said Sylvain, shrugging out of the button-down he was wearing and handing it to Hilda. He had layered a long sleeve t-shirt underneath, so he wouldn’t be too cold, and he still had his coat.</p><p>Hilda looked between the button down and her stained top, considering. Evidently, she made her decision, pulling off her top in full view of anyone else in the bathroom. Sylvain quickly averted his eyes--it was a matter of respect. Hilda came back into view wearing his shirt. It was very big and hung halfway down her thighs.</p><p>“It’s not very cute,” she said.</p><p>“Let me help,” said Sylvain.</p><p>He unbuttoned the bottom few buttons and tied the shirt so it cropped at her waist.</p><p>“Oh!” she said, walking to the mirror. “Sylvain, you’re a genius.”</p><p>She unbuttoned the top few buttons--the shirt wasn’t covering much anymore, but he wouldn’t lie, it did look cute.</p><p>“Perfect!” said Hilda, giving Sylvain a hug. “Can we leave this place? I wanna go dance.”</p><p>--</p><p>The next bar was one where they could, indeed, dance. Dimitri offered to buy everyone shots, and Sylvain was happy to oblige--at this point he wasn’t going to get drunk, but he was going to have fun. Hilda dragged Claude on the dance floor and Dimitri followed them like a stray puppy.</p><p>Sylvain turned to Felix. “Wanna dance?”</p><p>“I don’t dance,” said Felix.</p><p>Sylvain laughed. “I know. Wanna watch Dimitri attempt to dance?”</p><p>Felix nodded and they found a seat near the edge of the dance floor. It was crowded, so Felix was practically on top of Sylvain--Sylvain pulled him closer.</p><p>“I feel like I haven’t talked to you all night,” said Sylvain.</p><p>“Did you need to talk to me?”</p><p>“I just like talking to my boyfriend,” said Sylvain, running his hand through the end of Felix’s ponytail.</p><p>Felix scoffed. Sylvain wondered how convincing they needed to be in situations like this. Anna wasn’t here, sure (though he wouldn’t be surprised if she was stalking through the shadows somewhere around here), but their friends were here, and they were surrounded by people. Did Felix want Sylvain to hold him? To dance with him? Sylvain really wanted to. Why did he want to?</p><p>Dimitri was fumbling around the dance floor, to Claude and Hilda’s great delight. He was definitely the worst dancer of their friends, but it was kind of endearing. Sylvain tried to watch them, but he was distracted by Felix next to him. Or rather, on top of him.</p><p>Sylvain whispered in his ear. “Hi.”</p><p>Felix’s head whipped around to face him.</p><p>“Pretend I’m saying something really dirty,” whispered Sylvain again.</p><p>Felix went red, trying to smack Sylvain in the arm but failing due to his position.</p><p>“Oh Felix,” teased Sylvain. “Who knew you were such a prude.”</p><p>Felix flipped his body around so he was fully facing Sylvain, almost facing him in his seat. Sylvain’s heart was racing a bit. Was it the alcohol? Sylvain wasn’t even drunk. Why was he nervous? He grabbed Felix’s chin, gently--they could probably kiss right now, right? People were supposed to kiss in bars. Felix was really pretty. Of course, Sylvain had known this for as long as he had known him, but here, under all of the multi-colored lights, he was really striking. He looked like he was daring Sylvain to make some sort of move--that was what he was supposed to do, right? That was the point of the whole thing. Sylvain leaned in.</p><p>“Hey--oh, sorry. If you guys are going to make out right now I’ll leave.”</p><p>Felix pulled away and turned back, away from Sylvain. It was Marianne.</p><p>“We’re not going to make out right now,” said Felix.</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t want to be a third wheel,” said Marianne. “But I felt like even more of a third wheel over there.”</p><p>Marianne gestured over to the bar, where they saw Byleth with a new face--a 5’2 girl with bright red tights and a shock of almost-white hair. That could only be one person, of course.</p><p>“Edelgard’s here?” asked Sylvain, at the same time Felix asked, “Byleth and Edelgard?”</p><p>“Aw, Fe,” said Sylvain. “You’re so oblivious.”</p><p>“I think Byleth invited her,” said Marianne.</p><p>“I guess she’s the only one with the power to convince Edelgard to go out and party,” said Sylvain.</p><p>Marianne nodded. She still looked sad--Sylvain couldn’t blame her.</p><p>“Wanna dance?” Sylvain stood up and offered his hand to Marianne.</p><p>She smiled, standing and grabbing his hand, turning and grabbing Felix’s as well. “You too!”</p><p>Felix rolled his eyes but stood up, following them to the dance floor. The music was upbeat and fun to dance to, and Sylvain tried to make out the lyrics-- “I'm sweat from head to toe, I'm wet through all my clothes, I'm fully charged, nipples are hard, ready to go.” Sylvain wasn’t sure he had ever heard a pop song about nipples before, but this one was really good. Marianne was singing along, so evidently she knew the song.</p><p>Sylvain twirled Marianne around--it turned out she was a pretty good dancer. They even almost got Felix to join in before Dimitri came running over.</p><p>“We have to leave,” he said. “We have to go somewhere else.”</p><p>“Why?” asked Felix, who seemed to actually be having fun.</p><p>“I didn’t know she would be here,” said Dimitri, looking to the corner where Byleth and Edelgard still stood, engaged in conversation.</p><p>“Come on, Dima,” said Sylvain. “She isn’t even with us. She’s all the way over there. Also, you live with her.”</p><p>“I wanted to go out tonight to get away from her,” said Dimitri. “Can we just leave?”</p><p>“Fine,” said Sylvain. “But you’re going to have to explain this eventually.”</p><p>“I will,” said Dimitri. “But not now.”</p><p>“Are we just gonna leave Byleth here?” said Hilda.</p><p>“She looks pretty happy to stay,” said Claude, waving at Byleth.</p><p>Byleth offered them a wink. Sylvain figured she would be fine.</p><p>They took off again into the night, one less member in their group. Felix grabbed Sylvain’s hand as they walked. Sylvain smiled. Felix might have just needed help staying balanced, but it was sweet.</p><p>The next bar was a dimly lit dive accessible only through another back stairwell leading to the basement of a bagel shop. It was getting late, well past midnight, and Sylvain was starting to feel it. Being the sober, responsible friend was definitely overrated. He watched as his friends ordered yet another round of shots.</p><p>“How many drinks is that?” Sylvain asked Felix, who returned to his side.</p><p>“Fuck if I know,” said Felix, leaning back against Sylvain.</p><p>Sylvain wrapped his arms around Felix, still surprised at his touchiness tonight. It was definitely the alcohol--Sylvain would have to stop him if he did anything untoward. He couldn’t let Felix make any decisions he would regret while sober.</p><p>With Felix in his arms, it was difficult to think about anything else. How long was this supposed to last? They had never discussed when Felix wanted to end things. Of course, it had only been a week, so surely Felix would want things to be realistic--but how realistic was it? How long would it last if they ever actually dated? Surely Felix would get tired of Sylvain after a week. Surely Sylvain would find some way to fuck things up. He wondered if all of their friends were just waiting for him to do something awful. He wouldn’t, this time--he would prove them wrong. Would it fracture their friend group? He didn’t need everyone ganging up against him in Felix’s defense, even if it wasn’t real, but he couldn’t imagine a scenario where that wouldn’t happen. He was struck by how much he needed to prove his friends wrong about who he was. Maybe it was something deeper--maybe Sylvain just wanted to prove these things to himself. But it wasn’t real, so there was nothing he could prove to himself. If it was real, he obviously would fuck things up, too. That’s just who he was. It was weirdly depressing to think about. Sylvain was going to have to ask Felix these questions later when he was sober, but he didn’t really want to. He was having fun. They didn’t need to think about ending anything just yet.</p><p>Sylvain was so distracted by his thoughts that he almost didn’t notice Felix urgently tapping his shoulder.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Going to throw up,” said Felix, who, Sylvain just noticed, was looking incredibly pale.</p><p>“Oh god,” Sylvain groaned. “Okay. Come on.”</p><p>Sylvain dragged Felix through the crowd and deposited him in the bar’s bathroom. Hopefully everyone else was going to be able to handle themselves for the rest of the night, because Sylvain was going to have to take Felix home. He looked back to the bar--it seemed like everyone was still having a good time, though Dimitri was probably well on his way to Felix’s state. Hilda and Marianne were dancing together, which was a positive surprise.</p><p>Sylvain considered his next move. He could take Felix back to his own apartment, but he didn’t want the responsibility to fall on Annette to make sure that Felix was breathing properly all night, so he would just have to come back to Sylvain’s apartment. He wondered if Ferdinand was home--he had been out a lot recently, most likely spending time with Hubert. He was happy for Ferdinand, but maybe a little jealous, the same way he was starting to feel about all of his friends with successful love lives.</p><p>Felix exited the bathroom with a little more color in his face, which was a good sign.</p><p>“Come on, buddy,” said Sylvain, wrapping his arm around Felix’s shoulder. “We’re going home.”</p><p>Felix only nodded. Now that Sylvain thought about it, this might have been the latest he’d ever stayed out. Usually, he was begging to go back home around 11 PM.</p><p>“I’m taking this one home,” said Sylvain when they reached the rest of their friends.</p><p>“Aww, Sylvain! Don’t leave!” said Hilda, coming to give him a hug.</p><p>“I’d love nothing more than to keep partying, but it’s past Felix’s bedtime,” said Sylvain.</p><p>Dimitri approached and gave Sylvain a hug as well. “Goodbye, Sylvain.”</p><p>“Please keep an eye on him,” said Sylvain, turning to Claude.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” said Claude, smiling. “We won’t be out much longer.”</p><p>They all exchanged drunken goodbyes and then Sylvain and Felix were back on the street.</p><p>“Can you walk?” asked Sylvain.</p><p>“Of course I can walk,” said Felix. “I’m not that drunk.”</p><p>Sylvain only nodded, throwing an arm around Felix’s shoulder again. “My place? It’s closer.”</p><p>Sylvain wasn’t actually sure if that was true, but it felt like a good excuse. Felix nodded.</p><p>Sylvain tried to open the apartment door quietly so as not to wake Ferdinand, but as it turned out, that was unnecessary, as he was fully awake, pinned horizontally to the couch by one Hubert von Vestra.</p><p>“Oh my god, please,” said Sylvain, shielding his eyes. “You have a bedroom!”</p><p>Ferdinand jolted upright, putting his clothes back in place. Hubert, on the other hand, took his time. Sylvain was pretty sure he found joy in making Ferdinand’s friends uncomfortable.</p><p>“Sorry!” said Ferdinand. “We just, ah. Got carried away.”</p><p>“Clearly,” said Sylvain. “Well, I’m going to take my boyfriend to my bedroom.”</p><p>“He isn’t your boyfriend,” said Hubert, offering Sylvain a rare smile.</p><p>“Oh, right,” groaned Sylvain. “I forgot you guys know. Anyway, goodnight.”</p><p>“Goodnight!” said Ferdinand, before turning back to Hubert.</p><p>Sylvain assumed they had no plan of actually leaving the couch. Oh well.</p><p>Felix had already deposited himself in Sylvain’s bed and wrapped himself in all of the blankets.</p><p>“Felix,” said Sylvain, shutting his bedroom door. “You can’t sleep in your coat.”</p><p>Felix only groaned. Sylvain sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling Felix upright. Felix went still as Sylvain unzipped his coat, taking it off and putting it on the floor.</p><p>“Are you going to sleep in jeans, too?” said Sylvain.</p><p>Felix shook his head, and Sylvain helped him discard those, too--ah, the subverted expectations of Sylvain taking off someone’s pants in his own bed. Sylvain almost laughed. Felix was different. He always was.</p><p>Sylvain got up to turn the lights off. It looked like Felix was already asleep. Sylvain watched his chest rise and fall before climbing into bed next to him.</p><p>“Goodnight, Fe,” said Sylvain, kissing the top of his head. He was pretty sure Felix didn’t notice, which was probably for the best. Sylvain was bone-tired--it really had been a long week. He grabbed some of the blankets from Felix and fell asleep, thinking about the Cummings poem again:</p><p>“in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,<br/>
or which i cannot touch because they are too near”.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This update took a little bit longer since I've been busy with work. Hopefully the next one won't take so long :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvain awoke with the sun high in the sky--it had to be mid-morning, at the earliest. He tried to stretch and turn over, but was blocked by Felix’s entire body burrowing into his side, his hands bunched in Sylvain’s shirt. It must have been cold in his room last night. Sylvain almost didn’t want to move--Felix never gave him this much undivided attention, much less cuddled with him, at least not now that they were adults, despite Sylvain trying. It was sweet. Sylvain wanted to lean into the embrace and go back to sleep, but something in his stomach lurched at that thought, and he rolled over. He needed coffee.</p>
<p>Hubert was in the kitchen, which wasn’t a surprise. He looked very well put-together considering what Sylvain assumed must have gone on all of last night. He might have taken a shower already.</p>
<p>“Good morning,” said Sylvain, pouring the coffee that Hubert had already so helpfully brewed.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Sylvain,” said Hubert, looking up from his phone. “Did you sleep well?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I did, though I don’t know if I can say the same for you.”</p>
<p>Hubert chuckled at this.</p>
<p>“It’s weird,” said Sylvain. “Seeing you in such a good mood. No offense.”</p>
<p>“I find it weird that you assume to understand my temperament,” said Hubert.</p>
<p>“I’m not trying to play psychologist or anything. It’s just… you’re usually scowling. I mean, Ferdinand obviously makes you happy.”</p>
<p>Hubert looked down into his coffee. Was he blushing? “I don’t appreciate people trying to read my mind.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’re not very subtle,” said Sylvain. “Is he still asleep?”</p>
<p>“No, he’s running,” said Hubert. “Though I told him last night was surely a workout enough.”</p>
<p>Sylvain groaned. “Please don’t say stuff like that.”</p>
<p>“I’m shocked, Sylvain. You’re becoming a prude.”</p>
<p>“I just don’t want to think about Ferdinand having sex. He’s like a golden retriever.”</p>
<p>Hubert laughed at this. He really did seem happy. It was weird, but Sylvain was happy for him. Why couldn’t he be that happy, too? This jealousy was starting to get weird.</p>
<p>“It’s also weird seeing you without Edelgard,” said Sylvain. “I feel like you two are attached at the hip.”</p>
<p>“She was busy last night,” said Hubert.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I saw her at one of the bars. She was with Byleth.”</p>
<p>Hubert’s face twisted back into its usual grimace.</p>
<p>“You don’t like Byleth?” asked Sylvain.</p>
<p>“I don’t know her well enough,” said Hubert. “I can’t be sure of her intentions.”</p>
<p>“Are you Edelgard’s mom or something?”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t understand, Sylvain,” said Hubert. “And I’m not entertaining this discussion further.”</p>
<p>Sylvain shrugged. He didn’t need to get in the middle of their bizarre relationship anyway.</p>
<p>Ferdinand got back from his run. He immediately walked over to Hubert, who was still sitting, and tipped his head up, kissing him on the mouth as greeting.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” said Sylvain, laying his head down on the kitchen island.</p>
<p>Ferdinand pulled away from Hubert for a moment. “Oh, good morning, Sylvain!”</p>
<p>“Good morning, Ferdinand,” said Sylvain, forehead still on the sticky fake wood of the table.</p>
<p>Felix had woken up, evidently--he walked into the room, his hair completely askew, wearing a pair of Sylvain’s sweatpants that he must have gotten from his closet. They were too big on him, and he had to pull at them to make sure they stayed upright. It was sort of adorable.</p>
<p>“Good morning, sunshine,” said Sylvain. “Coffee?”</p>
<p>Felix nodded and deposited himself into the stool next to Sylvain. “Headache.”</p>
<p>Sylvain had to resist the urge to brush the hair from Felix’s eyes and kiss his forehead. This whole fake dating thing was really getting to his head. He focused instead on pouring coffee for Felix.</p>
<p>Sylvain handed over the coffee and Felix grunted by way of thanks, taking a sip without waiting for it to cool down. “Stop staring at me.”</p>
<p>“Sorry,” said Sylvain. “Just making sure you’re feeling okay.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” said Felix. “I just have a headache.”</p>
<p>“Do you have anything going on today?” asked Sylvain.</p>
<p>“Not really,” said Felix. “Just studying later with Annette.”</p>
<p>“Just drink water and sleep until then,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>Felix scowled. He didn’t like being told what to do. Sylvain handed him a glass of water and he drank it anyway.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Sylvain was a Physics major, but in order to complete all of the requirements for his degree, he had to take a lab class outside his specialty, and the only one that fit in his schedule ended up being Chemistry.  As it turned out, Sylvain really liked Chemistry, and he found the labs entertaining. It was hands-on work that required him to be an active participant, whereas in his other classes he never had to put in a lot of effort. It was a challenge, but one that Sylvain welcomed. </p>
<p>On Monday morning, Sylvain took his seat across from his lab partner, Linhardt, who was a Chemistry major. Sylvain knew that Linhardt’s parents were pushing him toward medical school, and that Linhardt was pushing back. He would’ve been happy as a lab researcher or something of the sort--he also hated blood and the work required to get into medical school, which Sylvain had learned from their many conversations. Regardless, he could’ve made a good doctor if he ever decided he wanted to--Linhardt treated his projects with care and had a penchant for helping others, even if he didn’t always show it. Sylvain was glad to have him as a friend.</p>
<p>“How’s your boyfriend?” Linhardt asked as soon as Sylvain sat down, not looking up from his book.</p>
<p>“How about ‘Hi, Sylvain?’”</p>
<p>“Hi, Sylvain,” said Linhardt. “How’s your boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“He’s great, and very gorgeous if you must know,” said Sylvain, getting out the papers they needed for the day. Today’s work was a pretty simple titration--they just needed to determine the concentration of a base they had prepared last week. Their end goal was synthesizing aspirin, which was interesting, but Sylvain was a little worried that Linhardt was going to try to keep or consume the aspirin when they were finished with it. He got really into experiments like these and had some latent kleptomaniac tendencies. “How’s yours?”</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t you like to know,” said Linhardt, which was mostly a joke--everyone knew that he and Caspar had been together since freshman year. “Well, he’s fine, actually, but he melted my nice cutting board in the oven this weekend because ‘how was he supposed to know you can’t put plastic in the oven’, so he’s on thin ice. He was trying to make scrambled eggs, so I don’t even know why he needed the cutting board, or the oven.”</p>
<p>“That sounds about right,” said Sylvain, organizing their lab write-ups into a neat pile.</p>
<p>Luckily, Linhardt had already gathered all of the materials they needed, so they could get started.</p>
<p>“Would you like to do the honors?” asked Linhardt, offering Sylvain a pipette.</p>
<p>“I would love nothing more,” Sylvain set up the burette, took the pipette, and put the base and acid concentrations in place.</p>
<p>Sylvain had gone through this process so many times at this point that it was almost relaxing. Drop in the color indicator, drop from the burette, observe. As far as Monday classes could go, this was definitely tolerable. What class was Felix in right now? It had to be one of his business or finance classes that his dad pushed him into taking. Felix hated those classes, though Sylvain was pretty sure he hated all of his classes. Unfortunately business wasn’t a subject that Sylvain could help with--his parents were in business, too, so he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. He had never bothered to try and figure out how it worked. Maybe he could still invite Felix over to study, though. Sylvain could get a hold of his textbooks and probably figure something out. It couldn’t be that hard, right? Wasn’t business just selling shit? He could just invite Felix over anyway. It had been a while since they had hung out without any other pretenses. But Felix was just at his apartment yesterday. Would he want to come back again so soon? Why was Sylvain thinking so hard about this? It wasn’t that big of a deal.</p>
<p>He needed another chance to hang out with Felix where he felt...normal. The past weekend had been strange, but it must have been an effect of being out and partying. Sure, Sylvain wasn’t really drinking, but he could’ve been secondhand drunk...or something? His nerves were getting all twisted. It was probably because all of his friends were in relationships and he was jealous. But why? He had never been jealous before. Maybe this was a sign that he was really maturing. Or maybe he was just going crazy. Did he switch doses on his medicine or something? Did Felix wish he was in a real relationship, too? Who would Felix want to date, if anyone?</p>
<p>The romantic history of Felix Fraldarius was a little bit complicated. He hadn’t ever really had a boyfriend or girlfriend, though there had been a few flings over the past three years--Felix seemed to lose interest pretty quickly, or maybe people lost interest in him, though Sylvain didn’t understand why they would. Felix could be off-putting, but that was part of his charm, wasn’t it? Sylvain didn’t know much more than that, because Felix was pretty quiet about it. One thing Sylvain did know was that Felix had a crush on Dimitri when they were younger, but Dimitri never reciprocated in the right way (Sylvain could only coax this information out of Dimitri, never Felix, who was pretty humiliated about the whole thing), and then the crash happened, which changed everything pretty permanently. Sylvain didn’t like thinking about Felix having a crush on Dimitri, or anyone else for that matter. It was weird. The thing was, it was hard for most people to really understand Felix at the same level that Sylvain did. The next time Felix dated someone, Sylvain would have to undergo an elaborate vetting process to make sure they would treat him in a way that was acceptable.</p>
<p>It’s just that it was so easy to pretend to be that person. It didn’t really feel like a pretense, which was why Sylvain had those weird instincts to kiss and touch Felix even when they were alone, why his stomach flipped when Felix entered a room… it was like… it was like…</p>
<p>“Sylvain!” Linhardt shouted.</p>
<p>Sylvain had misjudged the distance between his arm and the acid concentration in front of him, and the entire contents of the beaker were now soaking into his lap.</p>
<p>“Sylvain!” Linhardt shouted again--weird, Linhardt never shouted. “That’s acid!”</p>
<p>So it was. Wait, that was bad. Sylvain righted the fallen beaker, but the damage was done. Everyone was staring. Professor Casagranda was hurrying over to their table.</p>
<p>“Alright, Sylvain,” she said, dragging Sylvain by the arm over to the safety shower. “I haven’t had to use this thing in years. I guess the class is getting a live tutorial today. Linhardt, can you grab my lab coat from my desk?”</p>
<p>Linhardt hurried to hand her the lab coat.</p>
<p>“Pants off,” said Manuela. “Hurry.”</p>
<p>“What?” Sylvain was still in shock. He knew his lab safety, sure, and he knew that flushing the exposed skin was more important than modesty, but--</p>
<p>“I have the lab coat so you can cover up,” said Manuela. “No time to waste!”</p>
<p>So this was happening. Sylvain pulled his pants off, and then his underwear as well when Manuela cleared her throat. She was very pointedly not looking. Well, Sylvain was never a shy one, was he? At least the lab coat was covering his most vulnerable areas, but that didn’t stop everyone from watching. Manuela started the safety shower.</p>
<p>“See, class,” she said. “It’s quite simple. Just flush the exposed skin immediately, for at least 15 minutes. Sylvain is lucky that this acid isn’t as corrosive as some others we’ve worked with in class before.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m so lucky,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>He needed to play this off somehow. Sylvain had suffered lots of humiliation in his short life--humiliation much worse than this, and he always handled it pretty well, to the point where most of his friends assumed it didn’t phase him. But this...well, it was harder when he was stone-cold sober. And in front of a lab full of classmates he only vaguely knew. He had to do this for 15 minutes? Oh, god. At least he didn’t have to do the eye flush.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, it’s okay to stare,” he said. “I’m not shy.”</p>
<p>Professor Manuela sighed. “Well, we’re obviously not getting any more work done today. Let’s clean up and let Sylvain have his privacy, okay?”</p>
<p>Perfect--Sylvain did his best thinking in the shower, anyway (although it was usually in the privacy of his bathroom and not the middle of a Chemistry lab), and he had a lot to think about now.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Sylvain got back from his lab from hell, physically unharmed and with only slight damages to his pride, to find Ferdinand, Hubert, and Edelgard on the couch like usual. They were watching the same anime they were the week before--this time, it looked like giant robots fighting each other, and one of the guys had a red glowing eye. Sylvain wondered what the plot actually was.</p>
<p>“Hi, Sylvain,” said Ferdinand. “What are you wearing?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Sylvain looked down at the extremely ill-fitting spare pants he was wearing. “These are Linhardt’s. It’s a long story.”</p>
<p>Edelgard raised her eyebrow.</p>
<p>“Not that kind of story,” said Sylvain. “What are you guys doing?”</p>
<p>“Watching a television program,” said Hubert, nodding to the T.V.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Hubert,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>Hubert had his arms draped over Edelgard, who was in his lap. Sylvain wondered if that made Ferdinand uncomfortable, especially considering how jealous of her he used to be. Sylvain couldn’t quite figure out Edelgard and Hubert--they had known each other just as long as Sylvain had known Felix, Dimitri, and Ingrid, but their friendship was nothing like this. Sylvain considered physical touch a love language, and he would gladly cuddle his friends all day if they would let him, but they very pointedly did not. It was like Edelgard and Hubert had some sort of symbiotic relationship. It was interesting. Sylvain would have to ask Ferdinand about it later if it wasn’t a sore spot.</p>
<p>“I’m getting a phone call,” said Edelgard, unraveling herself from Hubert and getting up. “Can we pause?”</p>
<p>Hubert paused the show and Edelgard went into Ferdinand’s bedroom to answer her phone.</p>
<p>“I actually do want to know why you’re wearing Linhardt’s pants,” said Ferdinand.</p>
<p>Sylvain sighed. “I spilled acid on myself during chemistry.”</p>
<p>Ferdinand struggled to hide his smile and Hubert laughed outright. “Acid?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “I mean, I’m fine, but I had to have my dick out in the middle of the lab to take a safety shower, so…”</p>
<p>“I mean, if I had to predict anyone would have their dick out in a chemistry lab,” said Ferdinand. “It would be you. But not for this reason.”</p>
<p>“Come on, Ferdinand,” said Sylvain. “I wouldn’t have sex in the lab. I know proper lab safety.”</p>
<p>“But not enough to not spill acid on yourself?” asked Hubert.</p>
<p>“It was an accident,” said Sylvain. “I was… distracted.”</p>
<p>“Distracted by what?” asked Ferdinand.</p>
<p>He was distracted by thinking about Felix, his best friend, who he was definitely in love with, and perhaps had been for a long time. Sylvain felt nauseated.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>Before anyone could react to this, Edelgard came back into the room, her arms crossed.</p>
<p>“It was my uncle,” said Edelgard. “He wants to come visit me.”</p>
<p>Hubert offered her his arms, and she found her place in his lap again. Sylvain watched as Ferdinand’s eyes followed their movements.</p>
<p>“I’ll poison him,” said Hubert, stroking her hair.</p>
<p>“I love you, Hubert,” she said. “But I’ve told you many times that I’m not going to let you murder any of my family members.”</p>
<p>“Shame,” said Hubert. “Let me know if you change your mind.”</p>
<p>Edelgard played the comment off as a joke, but Sylvain figured that Hubert might have been serious. He seemed like he knew how to poison people.</p>
<p>“Sorry to complain about my family drama in front of you guys,” said Edelgard. “It’s just… complicated.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” said Ferdinand. “You can explain if you want to. But you don’t have to.”</p>
<p>“Sylvain,” said Edelgard, turning to him. “I know you’re friends with Dimitri. Just don’t repeat any of this to him, okay?”</p>
<p>“Sure, of course not,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>“My uncle is not a good person,” said Edelgard. “I don’t want to get into the details. He was responsible for a lot of terrible things that happened to me when I was a child. Dimitri thinks he was responsible for the death of his father, which…”</p>
<p>Edelgard took a moment. She looked to Hubert.</p>
<p>“We don’t know if that’s true,” said Hubert. “It was most likely an accident, as are most events of that nature, but Arundel had bad blood with the Blaiddyds, as much as he did with the rest of Edelgard’s family. A large sum of money changed hands after the accident because of Lambert’s remarriage, but Arundel was the one orchestrating all of it. Even if he had nothing to do with the accident itself, the dealings afterward were… suspect, and definitely predatory.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri has always hated me for it,” said Edelgard. “He associates all of them with me. I understand why, but he has to know I was just a child like him, and I…”</p>
<p>“If he tries to start anything this time, I’ll have a discussion with him,” said Hubert.</p>
<p>“No, Hubert, he’s afraid of you,” said Edelgard. “That would just make it worse. I just don’t think he’s ever had the time or space to work through what happened, and then he had to move in with us and see me all the time. I just wish… I don’t know. It’s difficult. Now that my uncle wants to visit, I don’t even know what to say to Dimitri, much less to my uncle himself.”</p>
<p>“If there’s anything we can do to help,” said Ferdinand. “Just let us know. I understand what it’s like to… well, I understand family issues like this.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” said Sylvain. “Even if you just need a place to get away from everything, you’re always welcome here. Obviously.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” said Edelgard. “I appreciate it.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna watch Code Geass with us?” asked Edelgard.</p>
<p>“Sure,” said Sylvain. “But I’m pretty sure I’ll be a bit lost since I haven’t seen the beginning.”</p>
<p>“I can explain,” said Edelgard. “So the main character is Lelouch vi Britannia, and it all takes place in an alternate empire, the main action taking place in Japan. So Suzaku Kururugi shows up, who Lelouch knew in his childhood, and then Lelouch gets a Geass, which is basically…”</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Sylvain and Felix made a promise when they were children.</p>
<p>They loved to drag each other into trouble, especially when Dimitri and Ingrid, ever the voices of reason, were away. It was nothing out of the ordinary.</p>
<p>They always met in the morning to walk to school--their town was small, and the route was straightforward. One morning, they decided to do something different.</p>
<p>“Do you ever wonder what’s on the other side of the bridge?” asked Felix, pointing to the large bridge over the river that served as the outer border of their town--according to their parents, everything past the bridge was “off-limits.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “Sometimes.”</p>
<p>“We should go see,” said Felix. “Instead of going to school.”</p>
<p>Sylvain smiled. It wasn’t often that Felix instigated a scheme, and this one was especially exciting. The consequences of truancy were lost in their childhood naivete. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Walking to the river took a bit longer than they thought, but they were propelled by the excitement of adventure.</p>
<p>“It’s really cloudy,” said Felix, looking up to the sky as they stood before the river.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Sylvain, feeling tell-tale drops on his face. “And it’s raining.”</p>
<p>“I hate rain,” said Felix.</p>
<p>“You wanna go back?”</p>
<p>“No,” said Felix. “Let’s cross.”</p>
<p>Felix jumped down to a rock in the river and Sylvain hurried to follow him.</p>
<p>“Slow down,” said Sylvain. “It’s kinda deep and fast.”</p>
<p>Sylvain had never noticed how big the river really was. Maybe the rain was making it bigger and faster.</p>
<p>Felix looked back to Sylvain. “Are you scared?”</p>
<p>Sylvain was a little nervous, but he couldn’t tell Felix, or Felix would get nervous, too. “Of course not.”</p>
<p>He jumped down to join Felix on the rock. “How do we cross the rest?”</p>
<p>Felix looked determined. It was starting to rain harder. The next rock was a little bit far away, but he took the leap anyway--and promptly slipped, splashing into the river. He flailed his limbs a bit, but the current was strong. Sylvain promptly jumped in after him.</p>
<p>They were both moving, and fast. Sylvain grabbed Felix under his arms, keeping him above the surface, and kicked as hard as he could until they could both touch another rock near the side.</p>
<p>“I’m going to push you up, okay?” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>Felix didn’t respond. He might have had water in his mouth. Sylvain hauled him up by his hips until he was sitting on the rock and then climbed up after him. From there, they were able to get back onto land, right where they started though a bit downstream. Neither of them spoke for a while--Felix coughed up the water he had swallowed. The rain was heavy and they were both soaking wet. Felix was shivering. Sylvain pulled him into a hug, and Felix immediately buried his face in Sylvain’s chest. He was crying.</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s okay,” said Sylvain. “We’re fine.”</p>
<p>They stayed like that for a while until Felix could compose himself a little.</p>
<p>“I’m wet,” he said. “And cold.”</p>
<p>Sylvain laughed. “Me too.”</p>
<p>“We didn’t even cross the river.”</p>
<p>“Maybe another time. When it isn’t raining.”</p>
<p>Felix nodded. “Sylvain?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Do you think we could have died?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” said Sylvain. “But we didn’t. We didn’t even get hurt.”</p>
<p>“I scraped my legs on the rocks,” said Felix.</p>
<p>“We can put band-aids on it when we go home.”</p>
<p>“Sylvain.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to die.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Felix,” said Sylvain. “I won’t. I didn’t. I’m completely fine.”</p>
<p>“I know,” said Felix. “But you can never leave me or die without me. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Sylvain. “Then you can’t die without me either.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Promise?”</p>
<p>“Promise.”</p>
<p>They sat for a moment. The rain was still coming down hard.</p>
<p>“I’m pretty sure it’s just the interstate on the other side of the bridge,” said Sylvain. “It would’ve been kinda boring to just walk on the side of it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Felix. “And wet.”</p>
<p>“Should we go home?” asked Sylvain.</p>
<p>Felix nodded. “Are we gonna get in trouble?”</p>
<p>Sylvain shrugged. “Maybe. At least we’ll get in trouble together.”</p>
<p>This wasn’t necessarily true--Sylvain knew that whatever punishment he would face from his parents would be much worse than what Felix might get from Rodrigue, but Felix didn’t need to know that.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Felix.</p>
<p>Sylvain stood up and pulled Felix up by his hands.</p>
<p>“I don’t wanna walk home in the cold,” said Felix.</p>
<p>“Fine,” said Sylvain. “I guess I just have to carry you.”</p>
<p>Before Felix could react, Sylvain scooped him up in his arms and began to walk.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Felix shouted, squirming in his arms. “Put me down.”</p>
<p>“Only if you race me home,” said Sylvain.</p>
<p>He put Felix down and took off running, taking the head start. Felix was fast--he would catch up.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Sylvain found himself coming back to this memory often. He wondered if Felix remembered. Maybe he should ask. Felix would be embarrassed. They had made good on keeping their promise, dramatic as it was--here they were, still together, and neither of them were dead. That was a good sign.</p>
<p>Would it have been different if they hadn’t known each other for as long as they had? If they weren’t friends? What if they had met for the first time in college, in class or at a party? What if they ran into each other in a cafe, a bar? What if Felix could have met him now, with none of his baggage? Would they have a chance then? Could Sylvain be someone that Felix could love, then?</p>
<p>Sylvain sighed, turning over in his bed. This line of thinking wasn’t productive. He turned his lamp on--maybe he could at least get some reading done if he was going to be awake. The novel they were reading in class now was Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin. It was depressing as hell, but Sylvain was very invested in the book’s atmosphere, and the dialogue was excellent--nevermind that the plot felt bizarrely relevant to his current problems.</p>
<p>Sylvain reached a quote that made his chest hurt.</p>
<p>
  <i>“‘Somebody,’ said Jacques, ‘your father or mine, should have told us that not many people have ever died of love. But multitudes have perished, and are perishing every hour - and in the oddest places! - for the lack of it.’”</i>
</p>
<p>If Sylvain highlighted the passage until the ink bled through the next two pages, then nobody needed to know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warning in this chapter for mentions of past childhood sexual abuse. There are no details and it is brief but if you want to skip this part, it is near the very end and starts with “They were bad people, and..." and ends with "Felix nodded. “But now… just..."</p>
<p>On a less serious note--I love Ferdinand and Hubert so much, I apologize for constantly making them be weirdos I just think it is fun :)</p>
<p>Happy holidays and I hope you all enjoy the update.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sylvain was thankful for the freezing cold of December. Some people had seasonal depression, but Sylvain’s was flipped (though he still had Regular All-Year Depression, he reminded himself) so that he was happiest when the icy cold bit his skin and he could put on sweaters and stomp through the snow. He hoped it would snow soon. He wanted to have a snowball fight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain was looking out the window as he had these thoughts, so he was able to see Edelgard pull into their driveway and park her red Honda CR-V, then slam her door shut and stomp up the steps of their apartment complex. Hubert emerged from the passenger side, ever her shadow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Ferdie,” Sylvain called, as Ferdinand was still in his bedroom. “We have guests.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ferdinand came from his bedroom wearing a big green sweater. It was cute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Ferdinand said. “Hubert just texted. I didn’t know they were coming over either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain opened the door for them. “Hello, Princess,” he said, to Edelgard and Hubert’s frown, and then added, “Hello, Prince.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, Sylvain,” said Edelgard. “Thanks for letting us come over. Sorry it was last minute.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anything going on?” asked Ferdinand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, my uncle is coming over today,” said Edelgard. “I don’t know what to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll come over,” said Sylvain. “Uncles love me. Wait, that sounded weird. I mean--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This got Edelgard to laugh, at least. “No need. I need to handle this myself. I don’t know what Dimitri is going to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dimitri’s a big boy,” said Sylvain. “I’m sure he can deal with things just fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard’s phone started vibrating. She pulled it from her pocket and frowned at the screen, rejecting the call. “Well, he’s called me five times this morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not going to answer?” asked Ferdinand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to say to him yet,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What time is your uncle coming?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This evening,” said Edelgard. “He’s having dinner with us. Which… Oh my god, I have to cook.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you going to make?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” groaned Edelgard. “We don’t have much in the apartment right now. I’m not even good at cooking.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” said Sylvain, looking to Hubert and Ferdinand, who weren’t offering any solutions. “Let’s go grocery shopping. Ferdie and I have stuff we need to pick up too. Plus, I can help. I know some good recipes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Sylvain,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nothing,” said Sylvain. “We’re taking your car, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain sent Dimitri a text.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>You good?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>I could kill her</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>Sorry that was mean</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>Not actually kill</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>I would never kill someone</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>Even if they invited their evil uncle to my house</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>She’s just as stressed as you are buddy</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>:(</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Text me if you need anything, k?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Dimitri: </b>
  <span>Okay</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The four of them piled into Edelgard’s car to go to the local grocery store. Hubert took shotgun, naturally, so Sylvain and Ferdinand were in the back. Hubert kept sneaking glances back at Ferdinand. He wasn’t very subtle, since he had to keep turning around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll be at Dimitri’s birthday party this weekend, right?” asked Sylvain, addressing Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll be there,” said Edelgard. “Now that you mention it, I still need to find him a gift. I don’t even really know what he likes. His favorite gift would probably be if I didn’t show up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, that’s not true,” said Sylvain, even though it might be true. “It’s Dimitri. He likes anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but not from me,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have an idea for what we can give him,” said Hubert.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hubert,” chided Edelgard. “You’re not allowed to poison Dimitri. Especially not on his birthday.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Also,” she said, making eye contact with Ferdinand in the rearview mirror. “You two aren’t allowed to make a scene at our apartment again this time. That was embarrassing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ferdinand opened his mouth in an attempt to defend himself, but Hubert said, “It won’t happen again, Edelgard. We let our emotions get the better of us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, obviously,” said Edelgard. “I love you both, by the way. Just no more embarrassing me. Especially when I’m single and lonely.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait,” said Sylvain. “I thought you were dating Byleth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard’s eyes widened as she watched the road, blushing furiously. “You did?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “I think everyone did?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hubert,” she whined. “Did you think that too?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I must admit I made assumptions,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god,” said Edelgard. “Do you think she likes me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain was jolted forward as Edelgard slammed on the breaks as she narrowly missed rear-ending the car in front of her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can discuss this further when we arrive,” said Hubert. “As you are obviously too emotionally volatile to correctly operate your vehicle.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard pouted, but she relented. The short trip was completed in silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walked into the grocery and Sylvain immediately got to work finding ingredients for Edelgard. “So, really, all you need is a crock pot, and if you get it started as soon as you get home, it’ll be perfect and ready by the time he arrives. First we need vegetables…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard and Sylvain found all of their ingredients, and in their deep focus, realized that they had somehow lost Ferdinand and Hubert.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll just text Hubert,” said Edelgard. “Maybe there was something he needed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes, no reply came.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe we should find them,” said Sylvain. “Make sure they’re not causing problems.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard groaned, but they went off to search. As it turned out, it wasn’t very difficult. Ferdinand had Hubert pinned against the soup shelves. Whenever someone tried to enter the aisle, they turned around immediately at the sight of the couple engaged in intense kissing and whispering to each other. Sylvain wondered what they were saying--oh no, he wasn’t jealous of </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, was he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would die for you,” said Ferdinand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert raised his eyebrows at this, pulling back a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you die for me?” asked Ferdinand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” started Hubert, clearly overwhelmed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you die for Edelgard?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Obviously I would--what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard did not give them any time to continue.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hubert! Ferdinand!” she shouted, an intimidating figure marching down the aisle, still barely 5’2” in her Doc Martens.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They broke away from each other immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> say about embarrassing me!” she said. “Innocent people are trying to buy soup and you’re scaring them away by shoving each other’s tongues down your throats!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah…” Hubert started, but he was unable to find a justification for his actions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry?” said Ferdinand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neither of them really looked sorry, but they both looked frustrated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh,” said Edelgard, putting her head in her hands. “It’s fine. Let’s just go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain caught up with Hubert, a bit behind the other two. “You should’ve just said you would die for him. Girls love that line.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert glared daggers at Sylvain. “Forgive me for wanting to be honest with someone I’ve only been dating for a short while, and not taking advice from someone who’s only relationship is a sham.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert stalked off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard dropped Ferdinand and Sylvain off at their apartment and left with Hubert, off to prepare dinner for her uncle. Sylvain found himself back at the apartment, the whole day ahead of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did I ask him if he would die for me?” Ferdinand groaned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um…” said Sylvain. “You were lost in the throes of passion?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve read too many romance novels,” said Ferdinand. “Can you believe that Hubert is the first person I’ve ever dated?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No way, I never would’ve guessed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He definitely could’ve guessed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do now,” said Ferdinand. “He probably hates me. Again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He doesn’t hate you,” said Sylvain. “Just text him and say that you’re not actually expecting either of you to die anytime soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain was reminded of his childhood promise with Felix. He bit down a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh,” said Ferdinand. “I’m taking a nap.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stormed off to his room, slamming the door. Sylvain figured he needed to let Ferdinand sleep off his dramatic mood before attempting to talk about it again. He texted Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>You’ll never guess what ferdinand and hubert did at the grocery store today</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix replied pretty quickly. Sylvain ignored the shot of dopamine he felt seeing Felix’s name on his screen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>do i even want to know</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Yes. I’ll tell you later. Are you free?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>no. it’s girls night</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Girls night???????</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>annettes thing. long story</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Okay, well have fun</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain wondered what “Girls’ Night” could possibly mean. Annette was able to rope Felix into anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next week was finals, and then it was winter break. Sylvain felt pretty prepared for all of his exams, and he already studied a bit the day before. He needed something to do to fill up his Sunday afternoon and evening. Maybe he needed something new to read. He texted Ashe, his favorite resident English major.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Hey buddy, do you have any book recommendations? I’m bored and finished all the books for my class</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ashe: </b>
  <span>Yes!!!! Hold on one sec</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ashe: </b>
  <span>Ok so I hope you don’t think this one is weird but I read it this semester and it was great. It’s called Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh. I know you like classic-ish stuff so I think you will like it! It’s very religious but like not in a weird way?? It’s also funny and sad. And there’s gay people</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain figured Ashe could stand to work on his reviewing and summarizing skills, but that was as good of a recommendation as any.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Sounds perfect! Thanks!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ashe: </b>
  <span>There’s a miniseries from the 80s too it's very good if you want to watch it when you’re finished!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ashe: </b>
  <span>Also there’s a movie but don’t watch it because it’s bad</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. He decided to walk to the library and see if they had the book available. He put on his scarf and boots and took off into the cold.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain preferred going to the local library instead of the university library. It was still pretty crowded, but instead of students studying and working, it was filled with children and adults alike looking for new books to read. He greeted the librarians on duty and started his search.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The author was W, so it would be near the end of the shelves. He made his way over, and he found it! There were two copies, actually. He took one and decided to sit in one of the library chairs and start reading. He had nothing better to do, anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The story was easy to get lost in. It started with the prologue, featuring a soldier named Charles Ryder on duty during World War II, approaching an old country house that he remembered from his youth. It went back to his college days at Oxford, where the protagonist encountered Sebastian Flyte, his eccentric new friend that carried around a teddy bear everywhere he went. Sylvain was endeared by their unlikely friendship and romance, and found himself wishing he had his own copy of the book so he could highlight certain quotes: “I could tell him, too, that </span>
  <span>to know and love one other human being is the root of all wisdom.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was starting to get dark and Sylvain realized he was almost halfway through the book. He decided to go check it out and head home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On his walk back, Sylvain scrolled through Instagram, wondering what his friends were up to. He tapped on a story update from Annette. First, there was a selfie of her and Lysithea with baking ingredients behind them. It was very cute--Sylvain left a “heart” reaction. The next picture was Felix, sitting on the couch, wearing a pink apron with a face mask applied to his face. He was glaring at the camera, but the corners of his mouth were barely upturned as if he were trying and failing to hide his smirk. Sylvain’s chest tightened. The caption said “GIRLS’ NIGHT!” He couldn’t hide his smile--Annette was the only person in the world who could rope Felix into doing something so ridiculous. At the thought of that, his heart sank a little. Sylvain wasn’t Felix’s real boyfriend, and he wasn’t Felix’s real best friend, either. He sighed. He felt like a possessive grade-schooler that wasn’t invited to the birthday party of one of their friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lo and behold, Sylvain’s phone vibrated with a text from Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>Rodrigue wants you to come to our house for winter break</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Really? He would be okay with me staying there?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>yes he was the one who asked. also i dont want to be alone with him for two weeks</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix:</b>
  <span> also it would be better for you than staying alone in your apartment for two weeks</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>marginally</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>dimitri and ingrid will be in town too</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>As long as we don’t go anywhere near my family’s house it sounds great</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain:</b>
  <span> I will tell Rodrigue thanks</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>dont give him too much credit</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>How’s girls night?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>i know you saw the pictures</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>I may have screenshotted them</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>i will kill you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>They’re already on instagram Fe!!!!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>i’ll kill you anyway</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Love you too babe</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain’s hometown came with a lot of baggage, but he wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity to spend time with Felix and his friends. Felix was right--it would be better than staying up in the apartment alone, especially because Ferdinand had plans to leave too. This begged just one question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Wait Felix</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Does Rodrigue know?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>the boar told him</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>i didn’t bother telling the truth i thought it would upset him</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>but whatever</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>i can tell him the truth if you’re uncomfortable with it or something</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>No, it’s fine</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>I was just wondering</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now that Sylvain had Christmas plans, he had a lot of shopping to do, especially if he was going to win over the father of his fake boyfriend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri’s birthday party the next weekend was an elaborate affair. It was organized by Claude, who was really the only one of their friends that knew how to throw a party, in Sylvain’s opinion. Plus, Dimitri never would’ve thrown a birthday party himself. He hated attention, but evidently, he loved Claude. It was sweet. Sylvain and Felix entered together with their joint present to Dimitri (Felix didn’t really want to buy him something himself, so mostly it was just from Sylvain, but they split the cost) in matching holiday sweaters in green and red, respectively. Annette had roped them into it, and neither of them knew how to refuse her, as always.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude put a glass of sparkling wine in both of their hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You two are looking festive,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe the Boar agreed to all of this,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What can I say,” Claude winked. “I’m very persuasive. But also, he’s been pretty stressed lately, so he had no qualms about letting loose and having fun at least for one night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Annette and Lysithea appeared from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Try one!” said Annette, handing a cookie to Sylvain. “Felix helped with these.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I rolled the dough this time,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s very efficient,” said Lysithea. “He uses baking tools like weapons. We just had to teach him that if he gets eggshells in the bowl he can’t scoop them out with his fingers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix blushed. “It was one time!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain took a bite of the cookie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s delicious,” said Sylvain. “I’m going to assume it’s all thanks to Felix’s magic touch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain wrapped an arm around Felix, who didn’t pull away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s true,” said Annette. “I think these might be my best cookies yet!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lysithea gave her a look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean,” Annette blushed. “Our best cookies!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a nice night. Sylvain loved the occasions when all of his friends could be in the same place. They missed Ingrid, of course, but they texted her lots of photos and said they were excited to see her when she came home the next week. Even Felix seemed to be enjoying himself--he seemed much more relaxed than usual.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sylvain! Felix!” called Hilda, a couple of hours into the night. “We need you to play with us!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love games,” Sylvain said as Hilda had him by the wrist. “What are we playing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain and Felix were dragged by Hilda to a group sitting in a circle on the floor consisting of Marianne, Claude, Dimitri, Edelgard, Hubert, Ferdinand, and Byleth. It was a little bit of an odd group, but that was okay. Sylvain wondered if Hubert and Ferdinand were still in a weird mood with each other after last week. Hubert glared at him--maybe he was just mad at Sylvain now. Sylvain probably shouldn’t have tried to get involved. Oops.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re playing party games!” announced Hilda. “Dimitri told me he’s never played Truth or Dare before! Can you believe that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri looked a little skeptical, but drunk enough to participate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can definitely believe that,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“First, we need to set some rules,” said Hilda. “What should the punishment be if you don’t follow through on a question or dare? Maybe everyone has to kiss Dimitri.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri blanched. “Okay, maybe not.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can take turns stabbing them,” offered Hubert, who was evidently not in the partying mood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m ignoring that,” said Hilda.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about just taking a drink?” said Claude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone nodded, agreeing this was the most sensible option.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, perfect! We’ll start with the birthday boy!” said Hilda. “Truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um… dare,” said Dimitri, taking another sip of his drink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay!” said Hilda. “Kiss the prettiest person in the circle. Don’t worry, I won’t be mad if you don’t pick me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In an uncharacteristic act of confidence, Dimitri smiled and leaned over to kiss Claude on the lips. It was sickeningly sweet. Couldn’t they do fun and crazy dares instead of this? Sylvain couldn’t take much more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Awwww! Now it’s your turn to pick for someone else, Dimitri,” said Hilda.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” said Dimitri. He looked around the circle. “Marianne, truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um…” Marianne said. “Truth?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s your favorite animal?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone in the circle groaned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Horses!” said Marianne.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, we need questions that are actually spicy and interesting next time, but that was a great start,” said Claude, grabbing Dimitri’s hand. “Marianne?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Edelgard,” she said. “Truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dare,” replied Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marianne narrowed her eyes, looking around at everyone in the circle, settling on Hilda. “Kiss Hilda.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain figured this must be part of Marianne’s ongoing vindictive streak. Hilda raised her eyebrows and Edelgard looked around, blushing--very obviously trying not to make eye contact with Byleth, who seemed amused by the whole situation. “Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard got up and moved to where Hilda was sitting, kissing Hilda before she even had a chance to prepare. It went on for longer than Sylvain would have expected. Edelgard pulled away and then sat back down, looking pleased with herself. Hilda was blushing and a little out of breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow, okay,” said Hilda. “I wasn’t expecting that from </span>
  <em>
    <span>you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but I’m not complaining.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard just shrugged. “Byleth. Truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dare,” said Byleth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edelgard looked thoughtful. Sylvain wondered if she was going to say something bold or chicken out. “Fight Dimitri.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Byleth looked to Dimitri as if she were fully ready to fight, but Dimitri’s eyes widened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe not?” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s fine,” said Byleth. “I would’ve won though. I’ll just drink.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She took a sip of her drink, looking around the circle. “Claude. Truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dare,” said Claude, smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dare you to go fishing in the pond outside and catch a Teutates Pike.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?!” exclaimed Hilda. “It’s freezing outside!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll do it,” said Claude, standing up. “I’m not one to back down from a challenge. You know that, Hilda. Plus, this is the most interesting dare we’ve gotten so far.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I suppose we should all go and watch,” said Dimitri. “Let’s grab our coats!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all reluctantly got up to follow Claude into the freezing cold backyard, next to the pathetically small pond. Claude had somehow procured a fishing rod that Byleth had in her car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” said Claude. “Time to concentrate. I’m shifting into fish mode.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” said Sylvain to Felix, who was shivering next to him. “This is definitely not how I expected this game to devolve.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All these dares are stupid,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have a better one?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Felix. “I would dare someone to stand on the interstate and play chicken with the cars.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. “Felix, that’s...nobody would do that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s because they’re cowards.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix was still shivering. Sylvain took the opportunity to pull him closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Again, Felix didn’t protest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sylvain!” shouted Hilda, running up behind Sylvain. “I had the best idea! I dare you to go skinny dipping!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hilda,” said Felix, leaning further against Sylvain’s chest. “It’s freezing. And it’s not your turn.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, you’re no fun,” said Hilda, running away. “Hey Marianne!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would’ve done it,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” said Felix. “If you actually get in that pond I’ll kill you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure it’s a retention pond anyway,” said Sylvain. “I don’t think it’s safe. Are there even fish in there?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude shouted. “Fuck yes!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Apparently, there were fish in there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Claude reeled in a little fish, flopping around on the hook. “I did it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Byleth observed the fish. “That’s not a Teutates Pike. That’s an Airmid Goby.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh,” Claude groaned. “Fine. I forfeit. I’m not doing that again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you just take the drink the first time?” complained Hilda.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because now I can say I at least tried!” said Claude, who seemed pretty proud of himself. “But let’s go back inside. I’m freezing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The group unceremoniously trudged back into the apartment, yet again dropping off their coat and shoes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay guys, we’re not done yet!” shouted Hilda. “We’re going to play the game correctly this time. Okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all sat back down in their circle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess it’s my turn,” said Claude. “Hubert, truth or dare?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert glared at Claude. “Truth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ask him something spicy!” said Hilda.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll go easy on him,” said Claude. “Who was your first kiss?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert blushed and looked to Edelgard to his right.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh come on, don’t be embarrassed,” said Edelgard. “It’s not like they’re surprised.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have to tell us the story at least,” said Claude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s not much of a story,” said Hubert. “Neither of us had had our first kiss by the time we started high school, so…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s a surprisingly good kisser,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ferdinand squirmed where he was sitting on Hubert’s other side. “Obviously.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert scooted closer to him. They seemed to be having some kind of unspoken conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on,” said Claude. “Was it romantic at least?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We were hiding in my father’s basement and trying to steal from his model train collection,” said Hubert. “So no, not really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, that sounds romantic to me,” said Byleth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t really know what I expected. It’s your turn, Hubert,” said Claude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Hubert, turning his glare to Sylvain. “Truth or dare, Sylvain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dare,” said Sylvain. If he knew how to do anything, it was making a fool of himself in front of his friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hubert looked like he was trying to come up with something malicious. “Play seven minutes of heaven in the coat closet. With Felix.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain raised his eyebrows. That was definitely bold.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re just daring him to make out with his boyfriend?” said Hilda. “That’s so lame. They can literally just do that every day. For longer than seven minutes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A dare is a dare,” said Hubert.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was he enacting some kind of payback for Sylvain siding with Ferdinand earlier? That was annoying, especially if he was trying to expose him and Felix somehow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Felix, getting up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain was quick to follow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll time you!” said Claude.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t get anything gross on my coat, please!” called Hilda.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix entered the coat closet with Sylvain close behind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah,” said Sylvain. “Why is their coat closet so big?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both had room to sit down on the floor with some space away from the coats.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This game is stupid,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re just mad nobody is picking you so you can’t give them your weird dares,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have to admit the game would be more fun if there was some risk involved,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. “So now what? We just sit here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess so,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we can at least make it look like we were enjoying ourselves,” said Sylvain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He ran a hand through his hair, ruining the hairstyle he spent 30 minutes on before arriving. “How does that look?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stupid,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I can give myself a hickey,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t really possible to use his mouth on himself, so he settled for pinching the skin on his neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on,” said Felix, watching. “You’re barely leaving a mark. You think I would be that bad at giving you a hickey?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain smirked. “Maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix rolled his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really, Fe?” asked Sylvain. “I didn’t take you as the type to give people hickeys all the time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just because I don’t do it all the time doesn’t mean I don’t know how,” said Felix, breaking his eye contact with Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain continued pinching the skin at his neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, stop,” said Felix, getting up on his knees. “Just...turn around.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain nodded, turning his back to Felix. Felix put his hands on Sylvain’s shoulders.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I...um.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” said Sylvain. “Show me what you can do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain’s shoulders already burned where Felix was touching them. His breath was warm on the back of Sylvain’s neck. Sylvain breathed in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt Felix press his mouth to his neck, mouth open, teeth barely touching. Felix must have been trying to do this as clinically as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, you’re doing great--ah,” Sylvain bit off the sound he involuntarily made when Felix started to suck at his skin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deep breaths. It was fine. Sylvain had been given many hickeys over the years, most much more intense than this. Felix was breathing in his ear. He must have been concentrating really hard. Sylvain could feel his teeth--was Felix biting him? Why did Sylvain want him to? Sylvain leaned back into Felix’s grip--wait. Too far. How long was this supposed to take? Should he try to make small talk or something? What could he possibly say? Sylvain doubted he could even form words if he wanted to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Felix pulled back. Sylvain missed the pressure on his neck. Felix’s hands were still on his shoulders.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” said Felix. “I’m done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain took out his phone and opened the front camera in an attempt to see what it looked like. “Wow. You weren’t lying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looked smug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You did bite me a little though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain turned back around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, why?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” said Felix, looking away. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I--no,” said Sylvain. Was he that obvious? “Here, hold on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain ran his hands through Felix’s bangs, messing up his hair a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” said Felix, slapping his hand away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now we both look at least a little fucked,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain wondered how often Felix had done this, for real--how many times he had hooked up with someone, gave into his senses, lost himself in the dark somewhere private with someone else. It wasn’t something he could just ask, was it? They were close, but they never talked about things like that. Would Felix be mad if he asked? He wondered if Annette knew. A selfish part of him hoped she didn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone at the party thought they were making out right now. Sylvain wondered what kind of image they projected onto them. Maybe they thought about Sylvain pulling Felix into his lap, or laying him across the floor--this train of thought was a dangerous one. He still had to go out and face everyone at the party. It didn’t matter, anyway. They probably weren’t thinking about them at all. Everyone probably forgot they went into the closet, anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a knock at the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Time’s up, boys!” Hilda called.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix and Sylvain stood up, opening the door and returning to the party.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think we’re done with truth or dare now,” said Hilda. “Nobody is coming up with anything fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank Sothis,” said Felix, adjusting his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, at least you two got to have fun,” Hilda pouted, eyeing Sylvain’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain, fiddling with the collar of his sweater. “That we did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next morning, Sylvain and Felix made the drive back home in Sylvain’s 2001 Honda Civic. It was a miracle the car still worked--it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>old, but the inside fabric was rotting, the air conditioner was completely broken, and the oil kept leaking no matter how many times Sylvain got it replaced. Unfortunately, it was their only option--Felix still couldn’t drive. Every time he tried to get his license test, he succumbed to road rage, scaring the instructors too much. Luckily, the drive was only about two hours, and as long as Sylvain kept the pace a little under 60 miles per hour, they wouldn’t face any real problems.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re not listening to any Christmas music,” said Felix, climbing into the car. “And no musicals.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix, you wound me,” said Sylvain. “I’ll let you handle the aux cord, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain handed Felix his phone, and Felix perked up instantly at the prospect of being able to choose the music. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The drive was relatively peaceful, with snow lightly dusting the road. They reached Felix’s home by mid-afternoon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Christmas in Sylvain’s family had always been a dramatic affair--lavish and cold at the same time. His parents would invite all kinds of coworkers and acquaintances, different every year, to come over and eat food and drink copious amounts of alcohol. Sometimes they would leave gifts for Sylvain, clothing and trinkets that they surely hoped would impress the Gautiers. The night would entail Miklan being in charge of Sylvain, and Sylvain didn’t wish to reminisce on it any more than that, but he couldn’t help it. It was hard to be in his hometown and keep his thoughts from drifting back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Christmas in the Fraldarius house was a much quieter affair, and Sylvain assumed if he weren’t there then Rodrigue and Felix wouldn’t bother doing anything at all. They spent the few days before the holiday going on walks, watching movies, sleeping in until ungodly hours, and walking aimlessly around their hometown, often with Dimitri and Ingrid, who was home for break, joining them. Sylvain even attempted to teach Rodrigue and Felix to cook, though it didn’t go very well. Sylvain’s childhood home was avoided completely, and Sylvain preferred it that way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ingrid was glad to be back, and she had a new arsenal of Icelandic swear words that she taught Sylvain. At the same time, it made things a little complicated. Sylvain had never been able to hide anything from Ingrid. She texted him one night after the three of them hung out at Felix’s house for a while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I can’t believe you and Felix are dating</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>What do you mean?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>No offense btw i just didn’t expect it would happen like this</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid:</b>
  <span> and while i wasn’t even here!!!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I did use to predict you guys would end up married though</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Seriously???</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>Yeah but I thought it would take you a lot longer to settle down tbh</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>Don’t take this the wrong way but sometimes you two still seem very guarded around each other</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I know the relationship is still new and everything so it’s probably weird, but</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain wondered if Ingrid suspected something. There’s no way she could know, was there? Did it matter if she knew?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I guess I just want to say be gentle with him</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>You’re not the first person to say that to me</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>But I feel like if anyone is gonna get heartbroken it would be me. Lol</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I don’t know Sylvain</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>I’m not trying to worry you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ingrid: </b>
  <span>You’re my two closest friends and I love you</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>I know</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>It’ll be okay</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, it was going to be terrible when they eventually would have to spread the news of their fake breakup. Sylvain wondered yet again if he would lose any of his friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On Christmas eve, Dimitri and Ingrid came over and they spent the late afternoon in front of the fireplace watching bad films like they always did when they were young. They weren’t even all Christmas films--Sylvain had convinced everyone to watch Mamma Mia, which was “totally a classic,” and Spice World, starring the Spice Girls. Dimitri enjoyed that one, at least. The final movie they watched was The Muppet Christmas Carol, and Sylvain didn’t even make fun of Felix when he wiped a tear from his eye when Tiny Tim died. They passed around a bottle of sparkling wine, which turned into two bottles, which turned into three.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dimitri and Ingrid had fallen asleep, Dimitri huddled in a blanket on the floor and Ingrid sprawled across the couch. Sylvain and Felix sat in front of the fireplace, Felix idly poking at the flames.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for inviting me here,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to thank me,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t have a lot of happy memories associated with the holidays,” said Sylvain. “So it’s always nice to make more.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember the one Christmas when I got a plastic sword?” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “And then Dimitri accidentally broke it against the tree in the backyard and you cried for two hours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think he still feels guilty about that,” laughed Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s my favorite memory from that particular Christmas,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “That night my family had a bunch of people over. They were…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain considered his words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My parents didn’t supervise me, they left Miklan to do it, but when Miklan got bored of hitting me and pushing me around, he would leave. So nobody really cared what happened to me, and some of the people my parents would invite over, they were…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix sat up, turning to face Sylvain. “They were what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They were bad people, and they had free reign over what happened to me at a party filled with adults and alcohol. I don’t need to say more than that, and at the time, I didn’t… I didn’t really know. I liked attention, or at least I thought I did, when I thought it meant people actually cared about me. And I guess when you’re a kid you can’t really understand what kind of attention you’re receiving is… appropriate. Obviously it was…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sylvain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this,” said Sylvain. “I guess just being here so close to my home makes me think about it. Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sylvain, look at me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain didn’t realize he hadn’t been making eye contact. He turned to face Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You… I don’t…” Felix started. “I would kill them. I would. I want to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain chuckled. It wasn’t funny, nothing about it was funny, but it was a classic Felix response.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not good at…” Felix was breathing heavily. “I don’t really know how to say the things I need to say. You know that. But you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stopped for a moment, looking into the fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t deserve to be hurt, by anyone, and I wish that I would’ve… if I would’ve known I could’ve…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” said Sylvain. “You were a child. You were younger than me. There’s nothing you could’ve done even if you knew.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix nodded. “But now… just. Everyone loves you, okay? All of our friends, Dimitri, Ingrid, and…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looked to Sylvain as if he was pleading with him to understand the unspoken words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” said Sylvain. “I know, Fe. You don’t have to say it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix sighed. He rested his head on Sylvain’s shoulders.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can always come here, you know,” he said. “Not just the holidays. Any time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” said Sylvain, leaning into Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They watched the fire die until the night became late morning and they could no longer keep their eyes open.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My agenda of forcing Sylvain to read all of my favorite books continues...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warning in this chapter for marijuana use and brief discussion of past physical abuse</p>
<p>This was supposed to just be the first half of a chapter but I split it in half because well. no rules</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sylvain spent a lot of his break reading. He quickly made his way through </span>
  <em>
    <span>Brideshead Revisited</span>
  </em>
  <span> and enjoyed it--he would have to send Ashe a good review, and maybe some pointers for writing his future recommendations. The book took a turn from light-hearted to sad, or perhaps melancholy was a better word. The protagonist, Charles, had an intense, codependent, yet happy love affair with his best friend, Sebastian--they spent time together constantly, whether it be school or their homes or even a vacation to Italy. As time went by, Charles found himself being swept up and charmed by Sebastian’s family, the Flytes, which Sebastian knew from the start would happen. Sebastian didn’t want Charles to fall in love with his family--he knew he would abandon Sebastian for them, take their side over his own. It’s why Charles made the promise “contra mundum, Sebastian;” It was them against everyone else. Sylvain couldn’t help but find this incredibly romantic, and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought perhaps he saw too much of himself in Sebastian, in the literal and straightforward sense: they were the black sheep of powerful, extremely religious families. They had self-destructive tendencies that often displayed themselves as alcoholism. (Sylvain cringed at the scene when Sebastian drove drunk and got all of his friends arrested. It felt familiar.) </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Past the surface level, something in Sylvain’s heart ached at Sebastian’s desperate plea to have someone on his side. He understood how it felt to have everyone against him, and know there was something inherent in his heart that made him wrong, or different, or maybe even beyond repair. Things didn’t end well with Sebastian, obviously. He met his death far away, sick from alcohol--not alone, but not happy. Charles found love again, though temporary, with Julia, Sebastian’s sister, and he recognized that Charles was the forerunner. Was Sylvain doomed only to be someone’s forerunner? He didn’t want to dwell on it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>New Year’s Eve wasn’t much of a celebration. Dimitri was spending the evening with Claude, and Ingrid “had plans with her family”--Sylvain wondered if she was deliberately trying to avoid third-wheeling. It wouldn’t really have been that awkward, since he and Felix still didn’t really act like a couple. At least Sylvain didn’t think so. Felix let Sylvain touch him more, which was nice, but also brought on a whole new slew of problems to think about. Did Felix really want to be touched, or was he just tolerating it for Sylvain’s sake? Was he actually uncomfortable with the whole thing? Sylvain figured that Felix wasn’t always honest when he said it was fine, but it was another thing he didn’t really want to dwell on. Regardless, their relationship was completely the same, especially since Felix and Sylvain had been spending so much time alone together. It reminded Sylvain of their childhood. It was nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain slept in the guest bedroom every night--it was a little strange, knowing it had been Glenn’s, but he had slept in there before during the past few years. When they arrived, Rodrigue tried his best to have a conversation about their sleeping arrangements-- “I know you two are adults, but I think it would be for the best if Sylvain slept in the-”-- he wasn’t able to finish his sentence before Felix responded with, “Dad, please, stop. It’s fine.” It wasn’t discussed further, and Sylvain figured it wasn’t worth mentioning that they actually slept together all the time back at school.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Other than that, Rodrigue was surprisingly chill with the whole thing. He and Felix avoided talking directly about anything serious--that hadn’t changed--but it wasn’t tense. He told Sylvain it was nice to have him around again, and often thanked him for cooking and helping out around the house. Sylvain was happy to talk to Rodrigue, but he didn’t try to push any extra conversations, especially when Felix was around. He understood their relationship was incredibly complicated, and he didn’t want to make Felix more uncomfortable than he already was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Most nights Sylvain and Felix stayed up late, hanging out in Felix’s room and messing around the way they used to when they were kids, playing games and rough-housing with each other. It was nice to see Felix with that mischievous glint in his eye, a spark that sometimes Sylvain thought might have been gone forever. Making Felix smile was a dangerous game--it embarrassed him. When Sylvain managed to make him laugh, he often turned away or covered his mouth, punching Sylvain in the arm, not allowing him to reap the reward of seeing him smile. That didn’t stop Sylvain from trying, obviously. He wanted it more than anything. In the rare moments when Felix offered his small smiles, his laughs, in full view, making eye contact with Sylvain--he had to be gentle. It felt like taming an angry cat, sometimes. He couldn’t get too close lest he get bitten, but he could put out a bowl of food and slowly walk away. The cat would eventually make his way over, on his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The evening of December 31st was no different than the usual evenings they spent together--Rodrigue was off fraternizing with his colleagues at some kind of work party for New Year’s Eve and Felix and Sylvain were sitting on the floor of Felix’s bedroom, attempting to play Pokemon. While looking around through Felix’s closet (during a bout of unprecedented boredom) the two had happened upon the old GameBoy Advance consoles they used to play with, along with the Game Link cable used to connect the consoles--allowing for battling and trading Pokemon! It was a bit of a novelty now, with current games and their WiFi capabilities, but that made it all the more exciting to play with as a 22 and 21-year-old, respectively. Amazingly the consoles were still in perfect condition.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My party sucks,” said Sylvain, looking through the available Pokemon in the storage of the current save file. “Why is the trainer named ASS? Also it looks like the best Pokemon I have here is a level 31 Marshstomp. Wait, it’s named Sylvian. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sylvian</span>
  </em>
  <span>?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix blushed. “I didn’t know a lot of names when I was little, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you picked my name? </span>
  <em>
    <span>And </span>
  </em>
  <span>spelled it wrong? Felix, this is precious.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up,” said Felix, hiding his face in his shirt. “Can we just battle?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite his embarrassment, he appeared much more satisfied with his available Pokemon options.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The battle started, and it was clear right away why Felix seemed so smug. He had a level 72 Rayquaza, aptly named BITCH.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell, Felix?” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry,” said Felix. “I’ll go easy on you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain’s turn was first, so he made Marshstomp use Water Gun. It wasn’t very effective. Felix immediately countered with Hyper Beam, taking out Sylvian the Marshstomp easily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix!” said Sylvain. “You said you would go easy on me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was easy,” said Felix. “I could’ve done much worse.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This isn’t fair,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, fine,” said Felix. “New plan. We both have to catch a Pokemon from the Safari Center and then we battle with those.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Deal,” said Sylvain. “I’ll kick your ass this time. Also, I’m naming mine Felix.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both played their respective games in companionable silence, looking for the best Pokemon to use in battle, when Sylvain saw an email notification on his phone. He set the GameBoy down for a second to see what it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, wow,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got an interview for grad school.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?” Felix asked, leaning over to look at the email. Sylvain showed him his phone. “Nice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks,” said Sylvain. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to get one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix rolled his eyes. “Sure you weren’t.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain flopped on his back on the floor, setting the GameBoy aside. “I don’t know. It’s just weird to think that I’m making a plan for the future, I guess. I never thought I… well, I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain stopped himself before saying he wasn’t sure he would ever have much of a future. Felix stared intently at his GameBoy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about you?” asked Sylvain. “What are you gonna do when you finish school?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix didn’t answer for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you care?” he answered, not looking up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because--we--I just…” Sylvain was caught off guard by this response. “I don’t know. Curious, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was Felix mad at him? Things had been fine just a couple of minutes before. Sylvain was really good at putting his foot in his mouth. Maybe he could change the subject completely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” he asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was getting late in the evening. He could definitely win Felix over with food.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix turned back over to face Sylvain. “Kinda.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll cook you dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you going to cook?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know. Let’s go see what you have.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that, they went to go inspect the Fraldarius pantry. To no one’s surprise, it was pretty bare.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you two ever eat when you’re home?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We get take-out a lot,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here are some noodles,” said Sylvain, pulling a box of pasta from the far corner of the pantry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think they’re expired?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, dry pasta is usually fine for a couple of years,” said Sylvain. “Why? How long could this have possibly been in here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both looked at the box, noticing one side was covered in dust.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I think it will be fine,” said Sylvain. “Do you have sauce?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix opened a drawer and started rummaging through. “We have ketchup packets… and soy sauce packets… and... hot sauce packets.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I think we need to go to the grocery,” said Sylvain. “Let’s go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They put on their coats and got into Sylvain’s Civic to take the short drive to the grocery store. Sylvain watched as Felix tied his shoes. He still used the bunny ears method, and his loops were uneven. Felix would kill him if he knew that Sylvain found that endearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Driving through the streets of his hometown was always strange. Sylvain wondered if there would ever be a time, eventually, when he would have been gone for so long that he could come home and forget the routes to the grocery store, or to the high school, or to his childhood home. Probably not. It was muscle memory, at this point. It was hard to identify the exact emotions that coming home evoked, driving through streets that are all associated with so many core memories, inseparable from his sense of self. There was a certain power in being able to drive past the houses of everyone you used to be friends with, all of the people you kissed as a teenager, all of the people who ever hurt you. Sylvain wasn’t even sure if all of those people still lived here, besides Ingrid and Felix’s families, or his parents, God forbid. Maybe new people lived in those houses now, making an entirely new set of memories. The memories weren’t always a burden, not now--not when he could still find solace in other places here, when he was welcomed into Felix’s home as if it were his own. What would happen when they had to stage a break-up, and then after, when Sylvain graduated and they would go their separate ways? Would Sylvain ever come home? And if he did, would he be stuck with these memories, these maps in his head leading him to all kinds of places he wasn’t allowed to go anymore?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re quiet,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” said Sylvain. “I’m thinking about how excited I am to cook you spaghetti.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix snorted. “It better be the best pasta I’ve ever tasted in my life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The drive was a short one. Sylvain pulled into the parking lot and found a parking space after a bit of circling. The store was fairly crowded, no doubt with people looking for last-minute supplies for their New Year’s celebrations. They walked inside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know,” said Sylvain. “Last time I went grocery shopping with other people, Ferdinand and Hubert ended up hooking up in the soup aisle.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really? The soup aisle?” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, not romantic enough for you? What aisle would you choose to ravish me in?” Sylvain winked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe the produce section. Then the little vegetable sprinklers can turn on and calm you down afterward.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix elbowed Sylvain in the side. Sylvain laughed but looked away, hiding his blush, feeling the ground shift beneath his feet ever so slightly. Felix didn’t usually take his bait. There wasn’t even an audience here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pasta,” said Felix, reading the sign above the aisle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind should we get?” asked Sylvain. “I’d rather buy something new than take our chances with the fossilized noodles at your house. No offense.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmmm,” said Felix, looking at the large selection of pasta noodles in front of him. He reached for a box. “Let’s get these.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rotelle,” said Sylvain. “Interesting choice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They look like wheels.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Sylvain laughed. “That’s all the convincing I need. Now we need sauce.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Find spicy sauce,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spicy pasta sauce,” said Sylvain. “I’ll see what I can do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They made their selections, with Sylvain picking several different types of sauce for good measure.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We should get champagne,” said Sylvain. “Or, you know, the cheap fake stuff. For New Year’s.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Felix. “You’re paying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain found some for fairly cheap, picking up two bottles. Felix raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re having fun!” said Sylvain. “It’s a celebration!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shook his head but smiled. Sylvain wanted to commit that exact smile to memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Back in the Fraldarius kitchen, Sylvain prepared all of his ingredients.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix, can you boil water for me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Felix, filling up a pot with water.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know it’s hard, but I trust your cooking expertise,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain put the pasta in the water once it started to boil. He wished he could cook Felix something real, something a little more impressive, but this would have to do for now. He couldn’t quite figure out his desire to prepare Felix a meal, to care for him. He hoped it didn’t come off as trying to parent him. It was something else--something innate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, Felix helped too. He could be helpful when he wasn’t directly responsible for the food itself. Eventually, they had created a meal that was definitely adequate, and maybe even could be considered tasty. They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re good at cooking,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A compliment?” said Sylvain. “About some mediocre pasta?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shrugged. “Better than what I could do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re going to have to do some lessons about cooking basics. I’m worried about what will happen when you graduate and have to go live on your own.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something flashed in Felix’s eyes at this. He looked away. Sylvain had managed to hit a sore spot again. To be honest, he wasn’t sure what was upsetting Felix about this topic. Sure, Sylvain got a little sad when he thought about graduating and leaving, but a lot of that had to do with leaving Felix behind, and Felix definitely wasn’t upset about that. It had to be something else. He didn’t want to pry, so he figured another change of subject was in order.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m opening the champagne,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He picked up one of the bottles and brought it to the sink to avoid unnecessary damage, just as a precaution.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we make it explode?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you buy the champagne next time, you can make it explode,” said Sylvain. “I’m drinking this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He carefully pulled out the cork, which emitted a satisfying </span>
  <em>
    <span>pop </span>
  </em>
  <span>without the liquid exploding everywhere. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix, could you ever so kindly procure the glasses?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix handed him two plastic cups from the cabinet, the kind of cups that usually serve cheap and brightly-colored cocktails--they had the logo of a local bar on them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You guys really don’t have wine glasses?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shrugged. “I’m sure we have them somewhere. They’re just probably not clean. I don’t think the old man knows a lot about taking care of glassware.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, this will have to do,” said Sylvain, pouring the champagne into the cups, handing one to Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sl</span>
  <span>á</span>
  <span>inte,” said Sylvain, tapping his cup against Felix’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” asked Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know. Cheers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In what language?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Irish.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you saying cheers in Irish?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know. It’s fun to say.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One glass quickly turned into two, three, and then four. Before they knew it the first bottle was empty and they opened the second. They sat on the couch watching the New Year’s Eve television programs, laughing at the corny presenters and obviously lip-synced performances.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain turned to Felix. “You wanna get crossed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Felix. “Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain went to find his bag and pulled out the materials he needed. He always had a pack of cigarettes, but he didn’t really smoke them anymore unless he was at a party and it was a group activity. He mostly just kept them for the convenience of rolling joints from time to time. It wasn’t the most efficient method, but it was reliable enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain returned to Felix and spread out everything he needed on the coffee table in front of the television, getting to work. Felix watched intently. There was a question in his eyes and Sylvain knew he wouldn’t ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wanna learn how?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix nodded. Sylvain handed him a cigarette and took one for himself as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, to start we just need to get the tobacco out. You just hold it between your thumb and forefinger like… yeah, like that. And then to get it out you kinda have to squeeze it and move your fingers back and forth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain was pretty good at the process by now, and most of the tobacco came out fairly quickly. Felix was having a bit of trouble.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look,” said Sylvain, taking Felix’s cigarette-holding hand in his own, placing his thumb and forefinger atop Felix’s. “The trick is to sort of move your fingers opposite each other, like this. Just be gentle and don’t do it too hard or you’ll mess up the paper.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain did the motions with Felix’s hand. He could feel the calloused tips of Felix’s fingers. The tobacco came out, slowly this time. Maybe Sylvain was taking his time. He didn’t need to think about it too hard. Once it was done, he finally let go. He hoped he wasn’t blushing--or if he was, it could be blamed on the alcohol. He pulled the filter from the cigarette and Felix copied him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now the difficult part. Kind of,” said Sylvain, picking up the grinder, putting in the weed and giving it a few turns.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He opened it back up after he was finished grinding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I usually keep some of the tobacco in so it burns better,” he said, aligning a bit of the original tobacco back in the paper.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix mimicked his actions. He was deep in concentration. Sylvain took some of the weed from the grinder, packing it in with the tobacco. Felix did the same. It was a decent effort for his first try. Sylvain twisted the end of his joint, pretty proud of his effort. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Light me,” said Sylvain, sticking the joint in his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix flicked the lighter and brought it to Sylvain’s joint. It caught, and Sylvain sucked in. Felix’s face was really close to Sylvain’s face. Felix pulled away to light his own joint.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You learned two new important life skills today,” said Sylvain, exhaling. “Cooking pasta and rolling a makeshift joint.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up,” said Felix, but Sylvain didn’t miss the way his lips quirked, if only for a moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat in companionable silence for a little while, watching the television program as the clock ticked close to midnight--though they still had a little less than an hour to go. The program became even funnier to Sylvain the more he smoked as the high set in--the mere idea of standing in freezing weather, packed like sardines in Times Square just to watch a few B-list celebrities lip-sync before the ball drops, was actually hilarious. Sylvain explained as much to Felix through his laughter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix considered this. “What if the ball was like, dangerous?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed even more, though Felix was serious. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like, what if they made it dangerous?” said Felix. “What if it could hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like, what if it fell on people or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Felix. “Or if it had weapons.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Weapons,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like swords,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Swords. Definitely.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore, and evidently neither could Felix. Sylvain knew it was mostly because of the weed, but hearing Felix laugh always broke his heart a little bit. He felt overwhelmed--he had a sudden urge to stub out his joint on his arm, to touch broken glass, to feel something physically as intense as whatever was inside him. He had to look away from Felix. He felt like his body was somewhere else, trapped behind glass, or stuck underwater, and he could only watch everything in front of him from a distance. Felix was watching him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like you just saw a ghost,” said Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This pulled Sylvain back in a little bit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know,” said Sylvain. “I used to pretend there were ghosts in my house. When we were kids.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “I read a lot of silly horror stories, it was just one of those phases I had. You know, Goosebumps and stuff. And there’s always the trope where the kid lies in bed terrified because there are ghosts and monsters under the bed, in the closet, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm,” said Felix. “I wouldn’t have liked reading any of that as a kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” said Sylvain. “You cried when we watched Paranormal Activity when you were 13. We literally had to turn the movie off halfway through.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix hit Sylvain in the arm. Sylvain laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyway,” said Sylvain. “It always was interesting to me to pretend I had ghosts in the house. It was like a fantasy I created, to distract me and pretend that the reason I was scared to go to bed was that my house was haunted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were scared to go to bed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain sighed. “I never knew if someone was going to come in while I was sleeping. It was usually just Miklan, and you know, he always played stuff off like that as a prank, even if the prank was just coming in my room to beat me up a little in the middle of the night. Which, that isn’t even like, a clever prank.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix said nothing--he never laughed at Sylvain’s attempt to make jokes about this kind of stuff.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It could’ve been a lot worse,” said Sylvain. “But sometimes I still get paranoid at night, even though I’m living on my own and haven’t been home in ages. I hear a noise and I feel like I can’t breathe. I guess it just took a toll, you know, and I didn’t even realize at the time that it was fucked up that I didn’t feel safe in my own home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were silent for a few moments, taking a couple of hits back and forth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand paranoia,” said Felix. “Sometimes it completely paralyzes me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain wasn’t expecting that. “It does?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Felix, taking another hit. “It’s not the same as yours, obviously, I didn’t feel...unsafe at home, as a kid. And you know I was such a baby. But after Glenn died, I feel like…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix trailed off. Sylvain waited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s like every time someone leaves my sight I’m terrified I’m going to lose them,” said Felix. “Like I lost him. I had no idea it would happen, it was a totally normal day and now I know it could happen again, to anybody. And I feel it about every single one of my friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Felix,” said Sylvain, moving closer to Felix on the couch. Felix wouldn’t make eye contact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never told anyone that before,” he said. “This weed must be laced with something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember when we tried to cross that river when we were kids?” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix snorted. “Yeah. That was before Glenn died. I must have been thinking like that even before it happened. How morbid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we’ve done well on our promise,” said Sylvain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stubbed out the end of his joint into the ashtray and took Felix’s free hand in both of his own, examining the skin on his palm. He could blame this on the weed, definitely. It was just nice to touch his skin and know he was there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See?” said Sylvain. “We’re both still here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix didn’t pull away. “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were both distracted by the countdown starting on the television. They turned their heads to watch as the crowd yelled as flashy numbers displayed themselves on the screen. “30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was fast,” said Sylvain. “We still have our champagne.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He picked up his forgotten plastic cup, still half-full. Felix did the same.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“10, 9, 8, 7…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t wait to see the ball,” said Felix. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. “4, 3, 2, 1…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s midnight,” said Sylvain, looking at Felix.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stared back. His hand still lingered near Sylvain’s lap. Sylvain breathed in through his nose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” breathed Felix. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice was quiet. They hadn’t broken eye contact. The cheering and loud music from the television was like droning, white noise, a million miles away from where they were right now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Happy New Year,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looked away, finally. Sylvain exhaled. Felix offered his plastic cup.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cheers?” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain knocked his cup against Felix’s. “Cheers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They turned back to the TV.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All those people have to go home now,” said Felix. “Imagine how gross the streets are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to,” said Sylvain. “What should our first activity of the new year be?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pokemon,” said Felix. “Not sure if I can make my hands use the buttons right, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds good,” said Sylvain, standing up. “I guess I should put all this stuff back in my bag too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain held his hands out to Felix to pull him up from the couch. He obliged. If Sylvain held on for a little longer than necessary, Felix didn’t notice, or he didn’t say anything. Sylvain gathered his things and they went back to Felix’s bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix attempted to power the Pokemon game back up, but he was evidently distracted by the colors on the GameBoy screen, as he just kept staring at it and laughing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you going to play the game or just stare at the opening screen?” asked Sylvain, laying down across Felix’s bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix turned off the GameBoy, setting it aside. “Pokemon is weird when you think about it. It’s like cockfighting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. “Cockfighting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you laughing because I said cock?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sylvain started laughing harder. Felix jumped on top of Sylvain, pinning him to the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop laughing at me. I was trying to offer political commentary on animal fighting, which is a serious issue that affects many cocks in our world.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please stop calling them cocks,” Sylvain wheezed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix grabbed Sylvain’s shoulders. “No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stared at each other again. Sylvain came to the realization that Felix was fully sitting on top of his own prostrate body. He didn’t really want to think about that too hard for fear of what might happen. He was exhausted all of the sudden.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you going to beat me up right now or can we go to sleep?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At this, Felix got off of Sylvain, laying next to him instead. “Isn’t it kinda lame if we go to bed at like, 12:30 on New Year’s?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “But I’m tired. And your bed is comfortable.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Felix, getting up to shut off the lights in his room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t make any comment about Sylvain staying in his bed, which was definitely a bit too small to fit two people comfortably. He simply curled up next to Sylvain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight,” said Sylvain, shutting his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was thankful for the weed, because it made him genuinely exhausted. He knew there was going to be a lot to think about in the morning, but for now, he could simply shut his eyes and sleep next to his best friend.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hopefully updates will become quicker as i try to make a schedule for myself that fits in with my work schedule lol we shall see :) thanks for reading</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Going back to school was bittersweet. Sylvain was happy to go back to see his friends and finish his final semester of school, but he was going to miss spending so much time alone with Felix in the little world they had created for themselves. It would be different on campus, in the presence of so many other people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix didn’t talk much on the drive back that morning--only the occasional comment making fun of Sylvain’s taste in music. Sylvain wondered what he was thinking. He was probably relieved to get out of the house and away from his father, but he didn’t seem particularly happy. What circumstances would finally make Felix happy? Sylvain didn’t know. He wished he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped Felix off at his apartment, a cheery Annette poking out of the door, waving. Felix softened immediately upon seeing her, allowing her to pull him into a tight hug. Sylvain’s chest constricted a little. It was nice seeing Felix be held, even if it wasn’t by him. He considered once again having a conversation with Annette, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he would say. There were just so many things he wanted to know--but it wasn’t his business. It was fine. It had to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand was in the apartment when Sylvain arrived.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sylvain!” he greeted, smiling as Sylvain walked through the door. “How was your break?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was pretty good,” said Sylvain. “Lots of time to do basically nothing. How was yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was kind of wild, actually,” said Ferdinand. “I was here in town for most of the time, but for Christmas and New Year’s I went with Hubert to Edelgard’s house. Her family is insane, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ve kinda picked up on that,” said Sylvain. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, nothing important. They just live in a huge creepy old house with all these rooms and corridors. Actually, Hubert and I found this one room under a staircase and we--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need sex details, Ferdinand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry,” said Ferdinand. “Well, her uncle was there too, you know. There’s something off about that guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean outside of his possible murder operations and like, embezzlement?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I guess. It’s just, my dad is the worst, right? There was nothing really shady about it. I just had to grow up enough to figure it out and leave. I’m sure you understand. But with her family, it’s so hard to figure out what’s going on. Edelgard herself has no idea, but she and Hubert have been trying really hard to figure it out for at least a few years. I don’t ask for details because it isn’t my business, but they’ve told me a lot. They trust me, which is nice, and I--oh God, I shouldn’t be telling you all this, should I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain smiled. “It’s fine. You haven’t told me more than they’ve already told me in the past.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, right,” said Ferdinand. “It’s so hard for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes. I’m working on it. Anyway, it was nice to spend time with them, and I think they really wanted the company because it would’ve been pretty lonely otherwise. But it was definitely a little weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you see Dimitri at all?” said Sylvain. “He was with us for a while, but I figured he might’ve been around there at some point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” said Ferdinand. “They mentioned him a few times, but he never showed up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was probably just with Claude then. I guess that was nice for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It really is nice to spend the holidays with someone you love,” said Ferdinand. “Or someone you pretend to love.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed in spite of the comment. “Well, I like spending time with Felix regardless. You know we’ve known each other forever, right? You can love your best friends. In a platonic way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you’re right,” said Ferdinand. “How much longer are you going to keep this up, though? Has the girl gotten off of Felix’s back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain shrugged. “We haven’t really talked about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you think you guys should discuss that? What if one of you wants to date someone else for real?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand couldn’t have known how much that particular train of thought hurt. “Well, I don’t want to date anyone right now. But Felix would tell me if he did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You really think he would?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” said Sylvain, although he suspected that Felix actually wouldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay then,” said Ferdinand. “Whatever makes you two happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was it, wasn’t it? Sylvain had no idea what would make him happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunday dragged on, the last day before the Spring semester officially began. Sylvain received a text.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Marianne: </b>
  <span>Are you free?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Yeah what’s up?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Marianne: </b>
  <span>Coffee?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>Of course, when do you want to meet?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thirty minutes later, Sylvain walked into the coffee shop. Unfortunately, Mercedes wasn’t working that day, but he saw another familiar face behind the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Annette!” he called out to her. “You work here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Annette was startled, almost spilling the milk she was painstakingly pouring into a latte. “Sylvain! Don’t scare me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” he laughed. “I just got so excited to see you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mercie hooked me up with a job, isn’t that nice?” said Annette. “It’s really fun so far! I’m learning how to make all kinds of cool drinks and--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was interrupted by a loud beeping noise. “Shit! The oven!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysithea appeared from the back, opening the oven for her. “You shouldn’t say the word shit so loud at work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just said it too!” said Annette.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I don’t scream,” said Lysithea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me get the pastries out, that’s my job!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clearly you needed some help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do not! Sylvain just distracted me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why are you letting yourself be distracted by customers?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you just--ugh!” Annette stomped back over to her half-finished latte.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lysithea, you work here too!” said Sylvain. “I’m gonna come here so much more often now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not getting any free drinks,” said Lysithea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But Mercie always gives me free drinks,” said Sylvain, putting on his best pout.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I don’t look like Mercedes, do I?” asked Lysithea. “So are you going to order something or just waste our time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Medium iced coffee please, with cream,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bells at the door twinkled as Marianne walked in. “And whatever the lady wants.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Sylvain,” said Marianne, walking up to the counter. “Oh wow, everyone’s here today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want?” asked Lysithea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm,” said Marianne, perusing the menu. “Last time I got a vanilla latte and it was really good… oh, but I’ve been meaning to try the matcha latte too, oh, and that new type of tea looks really…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not waiting all day, Marianne,” said Lysithea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop bullying the customers,” said Annette, finally finishing the latte and handing it to someone waiting at the other side of the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just Marianne,” Lysithea rolled her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry!” said Marianne. “The matcha latte, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain handed over his card.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” said Marianne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything for you,” said Sylvain. “Find us a table?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne nodded and scampered off. Sylvain watched Annette make their drinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like you really have gotten the hang of it,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, you expected me to be bad at it?” Annette asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not,” said Sylvain. “I’m just impressed because it seems hard. Mercedes told me how many drinks she messed up when she started here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Annette laughed. “That sounds like Mercedes. She probably wanted to drink some of them if we’re being honest. She’s really great at it now though. She’s taught me everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Felix today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you asking? You literally dropped him off at my apartment this morning. You’ve been with him for two weeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but,” Sylvain said. “I don’t know. Did he seem happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy </span>
  </em>
  <span>isn’t like ours,” said Annette. “But you know that. I think he seems fine. Maybe anxious about school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he ask you for help with classes ever?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes,” said Annette, and Sylvain tried to swallow his jealousy. “I don’t know a thing about business classes, though, so I’m not usually that much of a help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same,” said Sylvain, leaning against the counters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw that Marianne had found a table. He winked at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here are your drinks,” said Annette, pushing them both across the counter. “It’s weird that you drink iced coffee in January.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t help that it’s more delicious,” said Sylvain. “I hope you don’t judge all of your customers’ orders.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Annette blushed. “Of course I don’t!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain smiled. “I’m messing with you. Thanks so much, Annette. I’ll see you later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain brought the drinks over to Marianne’s table, settling down across from her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” he started, taking a sip of his coffee. “How was your break?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was fine. Kind of lonely,” she said. “You were with Felix, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Sylvain. “I had to deal with him for a full two weeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne giggled. “Don’t say that. I’m jealous. I did see some friends for a bit over break, on New Year’s at Hilda’s house. Her family hosted this whole thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain was starting to think New Year’s parties were important in some kind of middle-aged wealthy adult social hierarchy. “How was it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was okay,” said Marianne. “A lot of people were there. Claude managed to drag Dimitri, which was fun. Leonie was there, and Caspar and Linhardt. Oh, and Lorenz! It was nice to see everyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds fun,” said Sylvain. “I was wondering where Dimitri ended up on New Year’s.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He held my hair back while I threw up after midnight, so that was nice of him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain’s eyes widened. He clapped his hand over his mouth at the mental image. “Sorry, I’m not trying to laugh at you--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's okay,” Marianne giggled. “It was pretty funny. Not while it was happening, but after. I drank a lot. Obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any particular reason? Just wanted to party?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne shrugged. “Hilda was also drinking a lot. She was really touchy, you know, dancing with me and stuff. I didn’t wanna think about it too hard, so I tried to keep up, but I’m a lightweight and she isn’t. Obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did anything happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne blushed, looking into her drink. “We kissed. Kind of a lot. I don’t remember much of what happened midnight and after, though. I just know I was crying and then vomiting in the bathroom with Dimitri, who was totally sober, so that was embarrassing. At least he was nice about it. Pathetic, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain grabbed her free hand, rubbing his thumb against hers. “Of course not. Have you seen her since then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne shook her head. “She hasn’t gotten back yet. I don’t know, maybe she’ll be at the apartment when I get back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to say anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what I would say. Maybe I’ll just say I don’t remember anything that happened that night. It’s half true.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not encouraging you to say that, but I’ve definitely used that excuse before when I didn’t want to talk about feelings. With a lot of people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I keep forgetting you also used to make out with Hilda all the time,” said Marianne. “Sorry if this is weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain shook his head. “We were strictly friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friends,” said Marianne. “That seems hard. I don’t know how to separate my platonic feelings from my romantic feelings a lot of the time. Or… they feel the same, sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how that feels,” said Sylvain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew how that felt more than anyone could’ve known.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you do,” said Marianne. “You’re dating your best friend. I’m jealous. It seems so easy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain’s cheeks burned. He had that nagging, guilty feeling again. Lying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The relationship isn’t easy,” said Sylvain. “But loving him is pretty easy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the truth, for once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne’s eyes widened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” said Marianne. “I’m just happy for you. You talk differently about relationships that are… you know,  real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain almost laughed at the irony. “I can be serious sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t say that. You’re always serious, Sylvain. You’re the kindest person I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That means a lot, coming from you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a kind person,” said Marianne, her voice small. “Most of the time I’m a mean and evil person. And I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne covered her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to drag you out to coffee and cry in front of you. I’m taking advantage of you, I just wanted to spend time with you, but I--”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hey, hey,” said Sylvain, standing up and walking across the table to grab her shoulders. “It’s okay. I’m here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne didn’t respond. He felt her shoulders shake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” said Sylvain. “Come to my place and we can cool down. Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Marianne nodded, standing up, and Sylvain pulled her in close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Annette!” he called. “Bye Lysithea! Thanks for the coffee!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodbye!” said Annette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysithea just watched them leave, glare only softening when Annette started rambling on about something again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain and Marianne entered Sylvain’s apartment to Edelgard sitting on his couch alone, watching television.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Princess,” said Sylvain. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t call me that,” said Edelgard. “And I came over because Hubert is here, but.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She waved her hand in the direction of Ferdinand’s bedroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, right,” said Sylvain. “No wonder the TV is so loud.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that Code Geass?” said Marianne, sitting down on Sylvain’s couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” said Edelgard. “It’s my favorite. I like to watch it when I’m sad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain sat down between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s kind of a heavy show for watching when you’re sad, isn’t it?” said Marianne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard shrugged. “It’s sad, but in a way, it’s comforting to know there wasn’t really any other way it could have ended.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think so?” said Marianne. “It always seemed a little unnecessarily violent to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. It’s not even that they both think they’re right, but that they both want to atone so badly in their own way. Also, you know...war. Plus, I don’t really mind violent TV shows. They feel kind of cathartic sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you would say that,” said Sylvain. “But let’s not spoil the ending!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” asked Edelgard, leaning over to face Marianne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At Marianne’s surprised face, Edelgard added, “I didn’t mean in a rude way. You’re just not one of Sylvain’s regular guests. Also you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard stopped talking. Sylvain assumed that she noticed Marianne’s red eyes and tear-stained skin and decided to stop the questioning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re just hanging out,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay if you want me to leave,” said Edelgard. “I don’t even know how long Hubert is going to be in there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not,” said Sylvain. “Now I can hang out with my two best girls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put an arm around them both. Marianne nuzzled into his side and Edelgard immediately shrugged it off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t call me that ever again,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Sylvain. “My one best girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a feeling you have a lot of best girls,” said Marianne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is untrue!” said Sylvain, offended.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I doubt they put up with you long enough,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we just watch the show?” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They turned their attention back to the long-legged anime boys on the screen. Eventually, Marianne had to leave, and Sylvain and Edelgard were left alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sylvain,” Edelgard said after they finished another episode.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would you feel about going on a date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With you?” asked Sylvain. “I thought you would never ask!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop,” said Edelgard. “I mean a double date. Well, a triple date. I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the occasion?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m asking Byleth to go out, but I don’t…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too scared to go alone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not scared,” she said. “I just don’t have a lot of experience with dating. I thought it would be easier if more people were there. And Hubert wants to come with Ferdinand, and I love Hubert and I want him there, but also he’s… you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Overprotective?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard nodded. “I don’t know if he’ll be on his… best behavior. So I thought maybe you and Felix could come too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even though Felix and I aren’t really dating?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, that doesn’t matter,” said Edelgard. “It just means you guys will act like normal human beings in contrast to whatever Hubert and Ferdinand are doing when we’re in public, which is frankly a little bit disturbing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain laughed. “Okay. We’ll come. When is this happening?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friday night,” she said. “I haven’t worked out the details yet, but I’ll let you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Sylvain,” said Edelgard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, after Edelgard had returned home, Sylvain’s phone buzzed again.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Felix: </b>
  <span>do you want to come over and study</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Sylvain: </b>
  <span>sure, be over in 10</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain didn’t have anything to study, considering classes weren’t even starting until the next day. He wondered what Felix wanted to study, considering he wasn’t usually one to work ahead. He wasn’t going to turn down an invitation, however, so he put on his coat and walked to Felix’s apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix opened the door for him, and Sylvain was thankful for the warmth and sweet smells of Felix and Annette’s apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What smells so good?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix pointed toward the kitchen, where Annette and Lysithea were rolling cookie dough. It seemed like a batch was already in the oven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how you do it, Felix,” said Sylvain. “If I lived in close proximity to baked goods available at all times, I don’t know what would happen. I would explode, probably.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re working on his sweet tooth,” said Annette, peering into the oven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello to my two favorite baristas,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah,” said Felix. “How is the new job?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s so much fun!” said Annette. “Even though I burned myself on boiling water at the end of my shift today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She held up her hand which was currently sporting a large burn. Lysithea took her hand, inspecting it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like it’s getting a little better,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysithea faced Sylvain, still holding Annette’s hand. “Why are you here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could ask the same to you,” said Sylvain, raising his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because we’re baking. Duh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we’re studying,” said Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have homework due on the first day?” said Annette. “I worked ahead in my textbooks a little, but it’s hard when I don’t have any syllabi yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess it’s something like that,” said Felix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we get started?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, in my room,” said Felix. “I don’t want them distracting me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They left for Felix’s room. Before he shut the door, Sylvain heard Lysithea ask why Felix was so mean when she was around, with Annette telling her she was one to talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Annette...that girl has a type,” said Sylvain, sitting on the edge of Felix’s bed. “So, what are we studying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix pulled a textbook out of his backpack, handing it over to Felix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Marketing?” asked Sylvain. “Didn’t you take this last semester?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m taking it again,” said Felix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? I thought you hated that class.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix refused to make eye contact, saying something under his breath that Sylvain couldn’t understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that?” asked Sylvain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said I failed the class, okay?” said Felix. “I have to take it again this semester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” said Sylvain. “Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just told you, didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean last semester. I could’ve helped.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t…” Felix sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain waited for him to finish. He still wouldn’t make eye contact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I could do it myself,” said Felix. “I don’t need people who are perfect at everything without trying to fix all of my problems for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But obviously I couldn’t. So.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. And I’m not perfect at everything. You know that better than anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix didn’t respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix, look. Do you even want to study this stuff?” asked Sylvain. “You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know anything about what I want, Sylvain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s obviously not this! I know you hate your classes. You told me. And you’re smart, Felix, it would be so much easier to study something you enjoy. And you have time to switch. You don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your father.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix’s eyes turned vicious. “This has nothing to do with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I find that hard to believe, Felix. I know he wanted you to go into business.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will never be my father.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why don’t you do something else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I’m not going to just carelessly cut off my family and then still have time to flounder around and still get all these opportunities! I’m not you, okay? That’s not how it works. That’s how it works in your little world of no consequences, but that’s not how it works for anyone else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about? No consequences?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sylvain, you crashed your Dad’s car in high school and got off with a slap on the wrist. You’ve fucked every girl at this school like it doesn’t matter. They’re nothing to you. You left your family but ace all of your classes without studying to the point where you’re guaranteed employment. It’s like a fucking game.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that what you think?” Sylvain asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t find the words to defend himself. What was there to say? Felix wasn’t wrong--well, not in any way that mattered. It felt inappropriate to bring up the fact he slept with boys, too. Sylvain thought that he had grown and matured, and held it as a point of pride, but had he? Evidently not. That was becoming clear. He thought about the rumors people used to spread about him in high school and early college. He didn’t need to defend himself those times, either. There was no point. Sylvain wasn’t one to change people’s minds. At the same time, this wasn’t the first time Felix had spoken to him this way. In fact, this wasn’t the worst or most insulting thing Felix had ever said to him. He had a talent for lashing out and hitting where it hurt, and Sylvain knew Felix said things he didn’t always mean and felt guilty about it later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Sylvain was exhausted. He thought they had moved past this. He had tricked himself into thinking that things were changing, and there was a possibility for… Well. Sylvain wasn’t the smart one in this situation, clearly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix still hadn’t responded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised you keep me around then, Felix,” said Sylvain. “As your fake boyfriend, at that. Is that even still helping you? If you want to end it, just tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” said Felix. “It’s… I don’t want that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain didn’t say anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want that?” asked Felix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” said Sylvain. “In fact, I was going to tell you before that we were invited on a date on Friday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix groaned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, whatever. I hope you’ve gotten over whatever’s going on right now, or reach a point where you can talk to me seriously, because I can’t deal with whatever this is right now. Text me about Friday soon. But I’m leaving now. Good luck with your classes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain left without waiting for a response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back in the kitchen, Annette and Lysithea were eating their cookies, taking small bites of different types, comparing them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sylvain!” said Annette. “Do you want a cookie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thanks,” said Sylvain. “I’m not feeling well. I need to go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So soon?” said Annette. “Do you need any medicine?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be fine,” said Sylvain. “Just a headache, I think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hold on,” said Annette, running to the cabinet and pulling out a box. “I have some Excedrin left. Take it with you just in case. Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain smiled, feeling a little guilty about the lie, but he couldn’t say no to Annette. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye!” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysithea offered a small wave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylvain didn’t mean to get drunk on the night before the first day of his final semester, but the universe had other plans. He had almost finished an entire bottle of Malbec, which was the only alcohol they had in the apartment. Hilariously, he had been saving it for the next time he got to cook dinner for Felix. What a cruel twist of fate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was sure things would be fine. He was used to the insults, the lashing out. It didn’t mean anything. He didn’t let it mean anything. He would go to his classes, do his homework, talk to his friends--everything would be normal. He would go on the date on Friday and have a good time, no matter what. He would help Edelgard. She deserved that much. If he couldn’t have a happy love life, at least his friends could. See? Sylvain was a good person. He was generous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>These were the thoughts that accompanied him as he stumbled into bed, but he couldn’t keep the facade up for long. He was crushed with the sudden realization that he would have to be himself forever. He would never have the chance to be someone else. He could never start over, a different name, a different body, a different life, a different universe. He was stuck, doomed to be Sylvain Jose Gautier forever, with all of the baggage and implications attached, and absolutely nothing felt more miserable than that.</span>
</p>
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